It is 2012 and civilization has collapsed. A combination of plague, famine, pollution and war has reduced humanity to small enclaves. One enclave in New York called the Barony is ruled by the Baron. The Baron manages to recruit a new champion in Carson. The Barony has successful farming thanks to a genius who has developed seeds resistant to disease. Yet the Barony is slowly dying and the Baron has plans for Carson to take his granddaughter who is pregnant out of the city to a safe island off the coast of North Carolina. An attack by a vicious warlord named Carrot forces the Baron’s plan to be moved up. So now Carson with the seeds to guarantee the future must guide a pregnant woman about to give birth through the subway tunnels. Hot on his heels is Carrot and his murderous gang.
This is a novelization of the Yul Brynner movie. I first saw this movie as a kid late at Saturday night. It was a creepy movie that did a good job of depicting a bleak and hopeless future. The book was a good adaptation to the movie. It really excelled in the fight scenes which were a bit flat in the movie. The writer and director of the movie Robert Clause is known for mostly kung-fu movies most notably Enter the Dragon. Now Yul Brynner looked real badass shirtless but lets face it, her was no Bruce Lee. One difference from the movie is at the end Carson and Melinda meet up with a group of friendly survivors recruiting for a new commune in New Jersey. This must have been in the original screenplay and dropped. It was a good idea to drop this. It felt contrived and awkward. Better to have the two continue on to the island as the movie did.
After the destruction of Ft. Collins the C.A.D.S. under Colonel Dean Sturgis go on the offensive. They split into three groups to attack major Soviet bases in the west. One under Sturgis attacks Ft. Kharkov in Colorado. Another hits a base in Utah that are harvesting Americans for their organs to give to the Soviet elite. The third to hit a base in California. Only this group somehow gets lost after hijacking a Soviet APC and ends up in Salt Lake City. The city is controlled by mutant bikers and they have some important prisoners they were selling to the Soviets. It turns out the guys were from a secret U.S./CIA base called Hardbase Alpha. This base was a weapons research base in a huge cavern under the Nevada desert. So now America has a new base as HQ in their fight against the Russians.
Anyway after they destroy the bases they find out the evil plan of Supreme Marshall Veloshnikov. He plans to saturate the southwest with massive neutron bombs that will destroy the C.A.D.S. So they go their and destroy the base. Oh yeah and there was subplot where Robin, Sturgis’s wife was captured by the evil KGB major Denisov. He wires her with explosives and detonates them in front of Sturgis. He was hoping to drive Sturgis insane which he did but unfortunately it drove him so insane he defeated Denisov’s troops. Then Sturgis cuts off Denisov’s ears for a necklace. At the end Sturgis is so depressed he starts drinking. After FIVE bottles of White Lightning and still being conscious( I guess all that sex must fortify the metabolism)he has a tizzy fit when he hears his men talk about his problem. So after his drunken fit he goes out in the desert to live in a cave.
So big changes in the series. For one Ryder Syvertsen was replaced by David Alexander as the writer. Now Alexander of Phoenix fame (a book series that will definitely be covered later) makes Syvertsen look like Hemmingway. This guys is just incredibly a bad writer. Its also obvious he could care less. With all the grammatical errors at this stage neither did the editor. They must have needed a new writer for this series and Alexander could just crank one out.
He did keep the major characters but made some changes. First was he changed the color of the suits from black to silver. Now they were called Silversuits. Never mind they never had any time to upgrade their suits from the last book. Also he decided to get rid of Robin. Now that actually made sense. The character was very boring. Plus the fact that Sturgis was always banging other women made her being his one true love not very sincere. He did introduce a new female doctor for the unit. Vicky Novack was described a women with the body of a showgirl. Yet nothing ever came of a future romance.
In fact under Alexander there was no more sex for Sturgis. His writing style is one of just unending action sequences. Filled with fights against helicopters, fighters and hover tanks all armed with a variety of lasers and missiles. There are acronym filled weapons systems aplenty. All this action can’t find any room for that useless stuff like plot or character development. This is definitely where the series went downhill.
Courtney Hewitt has survived WWIII. She managed to escape Minneapolis with her best friend Sally Ann. Sally Ann’s father who has a drinking problem and a boy who likes her named Billy. She also found a dog she named Gaga. Yet the countryside is filled with zombies. Soon the drunk father is killed but they pick up an eight year old girl named Sansa who lost her family. The group continues on to northern Minnesota and the survivalist compound they heard about on the radio. Along the way they not only fight zombies but a biker gang, a mutant bear, and the green chemical clouds that have a mind of their own. Billy is killed but they meet up with Gar from Arkansas. The group makes it to the compound and gets captured by some escaped convicts. Courtney manages to warn the compound and stop the convicts plans…
“Son of Santa!”
Writer: Mark Gruenwald
Artist: Alan Kupperberg
A young homeless man in New York is approached by a midget with an offer. He claims to be a talent scout for a Japanese action movie and gives the man a plane ticket to Japan and a thousand dollar bill. So on the plane the little man hijacks it and forces the man to parachute out over the north pole. They come on the ruins of a building with dead reindeer and elfs. Santa is also encased in a block of ice. Seems the boy is Santa’s son who was abandoned with a family to raise. Only the family was not very good. So the man now has to battle the anti-Claus. He eventually traps him in the magic bag. So the son with Donner and Blitzen the only surviving reindeer assumes the mantle of Santa Claus. Only he decides…
The Christmas holiday is approaching and the mutants are getting ready to celebrate. Seems they have adopted the holiday are their own and celebrate with presents and carols such as “We Wish You A Mutie Christmas.” Things are looking bad for humans. Emperor Charlemagne has a plan for the final solution. Dr. Narfod Moonguley a graduate of MIT(Mutant Institute of Technology) and Time’s Mutant of the Year is heading a diabolical plan. Forming Planned Genocide Inc. humans deemed surplus are being shipped to the P.G. Pyramid in New San Francisco. There they are ground up and the needed DNA is extracted and stored for future use.
So the human rebels hear and send their best which is Max Turkel and his companions Jack Bender and Phil Potts. They go into New San Francisco to find the local resistance The Cleavers. Named after the sixties radical Eldridge Cleaver the…
So another Rifftrax Live and this one was a series of shorts. In addition to Mike, Kevin and Bill the old gang from MST3K was also there.
The first done by Mike, Kevin and Bill was one of those old safety films from the seventies. Ricky the Raccoon a guy in a raccoon suit who magically appears as their parents are buying a new house. Nobody seems concerned in the least that a creepy guy in a raccoon suit appears out of thin air. Of course the real estate agent won’t make a big deal about it since he’s interested in making a sale. Anyway the raccoon proceeds to teach the real dumb kid basic safety tips that his parents were apparently too busy to teach themselves. The dumb kid annoys Ricky to no end by insisting he’s a bear. You have to love those wacky anthropomorphic animals that appear the teach the stupid basic things. Here is a funny take from two rednecks.
So we move on to Office Etiquette which was done in the fifties. A woman gets a lowly clerical job all on the recommendation of some old bat that teaches typing. She tows the line and makes it to personal manager. Wow it is depressing to work in an office back then just as much as it is now. Some things don’t really change. It had some good riffs here and there. A little too much social justice commentary.
Then we get the 300th shorts riff the guys have done. This one is Rhythmic Ball Skills. Basically they make young kids do goofy things with a rubber ball. Supposed to be exercise but looks goofy as hell.
Then Mary Jo and Bridget do the Griper. Basically some complainer who does nothing but grip and ruins everything for everyone. Some reason the message seems that those that grip will just ruin it for everyone.
Move on to Sentinels of Safety. A short that shows all the bad things that can happen to you in the 1940’s if your not careful. So we watch people step on nails, fall down the stairs, slip on the floor and blow themselves up by washing their clothes in gasoline. Amazing our grandparents survived.
A Touch of Magic was some General Motors promotional to sell their new 1961 line. A husband and wife host their invisible friends who have the new cars. Very strange.
Finally it brings us to The Baggs. Santa Claus spends his summers driving around L.A. in an old pickup picking up junk. He steals some old burlap bags that come to life and chases them all over. Definitely they saved the weirdest for last.
Well it was a fun night. The jokes were funny and the shorts were really offbeat. So next up in August The Five Doctors.
I was recently informed that it was my second year anniversary blogging. It is appropriate that I just recently started a new blog. Here is the first post for it. So if you have an interest in comic books check out and follow my new blog.Continue reading
The third entry in this years the Crappening. This time we get treated to a forgotten gem from 1987. The movie starts out with introducing the motorcycle riding ninjas. A typical drug deal is going down and the ninjas decide to help themselves to both the cocaine and money. The drug dealers armed with Mac-10’s are no match against the ninja’s speed and stealth. When full automatic weapons fire fails they resort to attacking the ninjas with metal pipes with the same results.
Drug dealers die a gruesome death for opposing the ninjas.
But as the cobra has the mongoose the ninja has a new wave/Tae Kwon Do enthusiasts rock band. In this case it is DRAGON SOUND the hottest band in Orlando. These young men and one Pat Benatar wannabe when not rockin’ to such hits as “Friends” or “Against the Ninja” go to the University of Central Florida or practice their Tae Kwon Do. And these guys do everything together. They live in the same house, go to class together, the beach, the gym and pretty much anywhere together.
DRAGON SOUND in one of their rare moments wearing shirts.
Well the group has a problem with the brother of their lead singer. It seems he is jealous of his sister dating one of the guys on the band. Nothing creepy about that. Said brother also heads a non-ninja gang that is pissed at DRAGON SOUND for I think that they are also a band and angry that they can’t get hired at the night club. I say think because this movie feels that the plot is none of the audiences business. So I am kind of on my own in trying to figure it all out.
DRAGON SOUND confronts creepy brother and his gang.
Well creepy brother and his gang try to take on DRAGON SOUND and in spite of being outnumbered five hundred to one DRAGON SOUND has no problem kicking their asses. Well after several attempts the creepy brother is killed in one of the encounters. This pissed off the leader of the Miami ninjas and the ninjas embark on a trip to Orlando. They meet the gang as they take one of the member to meet his long lost father. After nearly killing him and ruining his spiffy new suit he just bought, the rest of DRAGON SOUND open a can of whop ass on the ninjas.
DRAGON SOUND training in the arts of Tae Kwon Do.
Oh my God do I love this movie. I have never see such overacting in my life. The lead a Grandmaster Y.K Kim who also produced and wrote this could not speak a word on intelligible English. Fortunately he left most of the dialogue to the others and concentrated on kicking ass. Of course this movie is bad but it such a wonderful bad. You can tell that everyone involved was trying hard and this movie has heart that other big budget fail to ever have. This was the best for Rifftrax because it was just made to be riffed on.
Our hero Grandmaster Y.K Kim mumbling unintelligible English while kicking ninja butt.
So here is the trailer.
And watch out for Santa Claus and the Ice Cream Bunny coming this December.
Spurlock is one mellow dude. It could be from his daily routine of nude yoga. Or possibly his meditation and Zen outlook on life. More than likely its that he smokes more weed than Willie Nelson.
Well whatever the reason he seems to be an effective sheriff for Purgatory county Arkansas in this reality of 1996. In this timeline the US has lost a war in the Middle East in 1988 and are now under Soviet occupation. The details of the how are vague but its largely ineffective just troublesome. Except for guerillas operating outside town the residents of Purgatory would hardly notice any change from before the war.
Spurlock’s quiet life is interrupted by the arrival of Senagliero. Senagliaro is the mafia boss from New York who has come to throw his weight around. He is a psychotic who likes to kill people but his shrink says its ok…
The final book in the fictional autobiography of Colonel William T. Bucko Federal Air Command.
The book opens with Bucko making a clandestine crossing from Detroit into Canada. The northern RIHM horde has come south and set its sights on Detroit. Once the river freezes over they can cross and overwhelm one of America’s major industrial centers for the war. Only Melodie Lane knows where the RIHMs will cross in force but she was shot down and is a prisoner of the RIHMs.
Bucko is the only one who knows Melodie so the government cuts a deal with him. A pardon, reinstatement into FAC as a Lt. Colonel and a sizable monetary reward. Bucko hooks up with the Maple Leaf Underground whose members are mostly strippers from the local club. Together with Chandelier,a the French-Canadian stripper and a teenage delinquent named Doone, he succeeds in rescuing Melodie and foiling the…