MERRY CHRISTMAS

I wish everyone another Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

RIFFTRAX LIVE: THE RETURN OF SWAMP THING

It is that time of year folks. Another Rifftrax and it was a fun one. First off, we get the short Danny’s Dental Date. A strange thing that starts out with puppets. Danny overhears his mother making a dentist appointment for him. Naturally he panics and runs away with his puppet dog. The dog talks about his teeth and then we meet other talking puppet animals. A squirrel, a cat, and a cow. All talk about their teeth and how Danny has such similar teeth. Then an endless parade of food that you should eat including 6 teaspoons of butter. Yes, kid just shovel spoonfuls of butter down your throat. It’s good for you. He wakes up and is a real boy but anxious to go to the dentist. His dentist decides to carve his initials into his fingernail and Danny’s to show how fun the drill is. Definitely a strange film. You can watch part of it here.

First off, the movie starts with some government agents with M-16s trudging through the swamp looking for a moonshine still. They get lost but are confronted by a giant leech man. The leech man kills two of them and two more are captured by a beautiful woman in a jeep. The final one gets saved by Swamp Thing.

Tax dollars are work folks.

Giant Leech monster.

Well, this Leech guy is still busy and Swampy has to save two young boys. Then we cut to Abby Arcane who is a florist in L.A. and has issues with her stepfather Anton Arcane. She decides to visit him at his mansion in Louisiana to work out these issues.

Young boys getting into trouble for comic relief.

Now Anton Arcane who is an evil scientist is doing what evil scientists do which is splice animal genes to humans for some vague reason. Arcane did get killed in the first movie but thankfully there is some vague explanation about his henchmen scientists rescuing him. He is delighted that Abby has come because her blood may have the answer to his vague human experimentation.

One of the rejects.

Naturally Swamp thing gets involved. He has to first save a wandering Abby from inbred moonshiners. Then the incompetent guards of Arcane in orange jumpsuits. Swamp thing and Abby have a trippy love affair before she is captured again. Once again Swamp Thing has to rescue Abby from having her life force sucked out of her to save the evil Dr. Arcane. Fortunately, the female scientist betrays him when she overhears Arcane give to OK to use her blood which also has some kind of compatibility. Swampy breaks in and kicks butt. The whole mansion is destroyed and to two live happily ever after.

Arcane and the other evil scientists.

Evil mercenary captain taunting an experiment.

Swamp Thing and Abby.

I am a big fan of Swamp Thing the only vegetable that is a DC superhero. I loved the comics and the Wes Craven movie. The late Dick Durock the stuntman who played Swamp Thing in both movies and the excellent USA TV series does a great job. Now this was a Jim Wynorski film, so you know you are getting a heaping does of camp in this movie. This was an excellent movie to choose for a riff. The jokes were spot on, and I had a very enjoyable night. Sadly, we only get one Rifftrax this year, but I suppose one is better than none. Until next year.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Well, another Christmas has come. Haven’t heard from me lately because I got Covid last week. I had plans to do reading on this holiday but didn’t really feel like it. Am a lot better and next year should continue my blogging. Hope you all have a wonderful holiday.

RIFFTRAX LIVE: AMITYVILLE THE EVIL ESCAPES

So this Tuesday was another Rifftrax Live. First off we start with a short called “Its your Accident.” Another one about the horrors of workplace accidents from the sixties. This one has Mike who works at a factory and is having a bad day. So bad the machine he works on cuts off some of his fingers. So he gets shamed by some guy who posted a mirror on the wall. Luckily his daughter salts tomatoes for him to eat. Ends with some horsing around with a forklift and I guess we are now all aware of the possibilities of workplace accidents.

Then we get to the main movie. It starts at the famous Amityville house. A group of priests come armed with holy water and bibles to cleanse the place of Satan. They seem to have succeeded but one young priest gets thrown into a wall by some godawful tree lamb.

One evil lamp.

So in celebration they have a yard sale and sell all the furniture. An old woman decides to pay $100 for this ugly lamp to give to her sister in California. We then cut to this nice house on a cliff where Jane Wyatt the sister lives. At this time her daughter Patty Duke and her three kids arrive. She is staying with her mother after her husband recently died. They all arrive just in time to see the new lamp gift. Needless to say this lamp is still possessed by Satan and starts it’s evil ways.

OOOHH!! An ugly lamp. Hope it’s not possessed by Satan.

It starts off by working on the youngest daughter who is vulnerable by coming to her in the guise of her deceased father. Then it starts some other fun. Like taking the pet bird and roasting it in the toaster oven. Then the dull witted son almost kills his grandmother with a possessed chainsaw.

Help! I’m too dumb to figure out a chainsaw.

Then other fun stuff starts to happen. The garbage disposal doesn’t work and a helpful teen gets his hand ground off while fixing it. A plumber gets in the crawlspace and a beam collapses on him. Then the pipe bursts and drowns him in black sludge. Although he does find the missing hand.

Literally gives a hand.

Plumber dies in the line of duty. They never found the body.

The evil lamp continues it’s reign of terror by then killing the grandmother’s friend. The young priest gets out of the hospital and comes to help out. By then it is too late for the lamp has taken possession of the young daughter. A big fight ensues with the possessed daughter floating around and stabbing the priest in the shoulder. All ends well when the grandmother picks up the lamp and tosses it over the cliff. Everything goes back to normal except they never did figure out the plumber was still down in the crawlspace. I suppose the smell would eventually attract their attention. Oh yeah and the cat Pepper gets possessed so it leaves open the idea of another sequel.

I could see Satan possessing a cat.

This was the fourth Amityville in a series of about 20 or 30 done so far. I never seen the original but I hear it is a well respected horror film. Needless to say any success in the entertainment industry is beaten to death. For a made for TV movie in the late eighties this wasn’t that bad. It does have a charm to it. This was a great idea to riff over the Halloween week. The idea of this evil lamp that was just ugly as hell was a perfect fit. I really am glad that Rifftrax is back and look forward to new movies next year.

Priest smacking down Satan.

Here is the trailer.

RIFFTRAX LIVE: HOBGOBLINS

I got to watch a Rifftrax this Tuesday. It was supposed to be broadcast last year but you know what happened. So this is the first time I got to a theater and it was fun. The show started off with a short called Life in Medieval Times. Some dumb peasant kid named Otto has to take a cow to town to sell for a pair of shoes for his lord. To tell you the truth it was interesting and I learned a lot about live in those times. Apparently the Seneschal the lords second in command wears a green rag on his head and a pair of shoes cost a cow.

Dolt of a security guard who is the first to die.

So the movie starts on an abandoned movie studio. There are two security guards and the younger one who always wears his walkman has just been hired. The old guy warns him not to go into a part of the building which he ignores and finds a vault. He gets an illusion of him being a rockstar and somehow that ends up killing him. The old guard finds this and just closes up the vault. Nothing to see her.

Old guard showing off the pistol. Probably used it to shoot Archduke Ferdinand.

Well apparently they require two guards for this abandoned studio and he hires another young guy. This one is much more enthusiastic. He goes home and we meet his friends which are just pure eighties. There is his girlfriend who always rags on him about how much of a wimp he is. There is this guy in purple shorts who is addicted to phone sex.(This was those primitive times before the internet.) A slutty girl who can’t wait to get it on with her boyfriend returning from the army. Oh and the boyfriend has to embarrass the hero by kicking his butt in a rake fight to show how inept he is.

Big fight with rakes. Thank God the Soviets didn’t invade because if this is what was in the army we would have been screwed.

Well one night at work some guy in a leather jacket tries to break in. Thankfully they have a pistol to chase him off. Only the young guy thinks he went into the mysterious vault and so checks it out. He releases the Hobgoblins.(Why they didn’t escape the last time is a mystery.) Some nasty puppets that have this psychic ability to grant people their wishes but it kills them. The old guard has been keeping them locked in a vault all these years. Why? Don’t know.

The Ho wondering where her boyfriend is while a Hobgoblin must have found a stool to stand on.

Well by some great coincidence the Hobgoblins are drawn to the young guys house were his friends are partying down. The trampy girl is attacked by one of them and uses a hoe to squash it. Both girls later have to fight off the little puppets in a hilarious scene of them rolling around on a couch clutching them, trying to look like they are being attacked.

Ho uses a hoe.

The guy comes with his Army buddy friend and chase them out to the van where they are locked in. Only they are too late to save the phone sex pervert. A Hobgoblin gives him a vision of the phone sex girl wearing spandex that looks way too tight to fit.(I think I need a penicillin shot just looking at her.) She lures him to Reputation Road to make out. Only the real plan is to push the car over the cliff. The young guy comes and saves the day.

Phone pervert being lured to his death.

Only when he comes back home does he find that the Hobgoblins figured out how to open the door of the van and escape. They also lured his girlfriend to Club Scum so she can live out her fantasy of being a stripper. The gang goes to Club Scum and the place does live up to its name. It has a bouncer named Roadrash and a waitress with a beehive hairdo that has to be seen to be believed.

Hey 1963 wants its hair back.

Well stuff happens with the Hobgoblins causing chaos. The Army guy hallucinates that his sergeant is there and gives him grenades and an Uzi which he starts to blow up the place. One grenade explosion sets him on fire. Eventually they defeat the Hobgoblins and go back to the studio for the big final showdown.

Nothing says the eighties like this.

This movie was a very beloved one from the Sci Fi era. One of those just so bad they are good. Obviously it is a ripoff of the more popular Gremlins. The writing and acting is just so bad. The fights with the puppets. The Army guy at the ends comes back fine after being burned alive. This is just one of those perfect movies to riff on. So glad that Rifftrax is back.

The movie trailer.

And finally there will be another show in October. Amityville 4.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Well another Christmas has come. I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday and new year.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Well another Christmas is here. I wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 LIVE: NO RETREAT NO SURRENDER

So another MSTK3K live show came into town. Naturally I went down to the Miller High Life Theater in downtown Milwaukee to watch. This one was a martial arts film from the eighties starring a young Jean Claude Van Damm. So it starts out at a karate dojo where some evil guy and his henchmen from New York have come to L.A. to take over the karate business. Why they’re doing that is unclear but it must be important.

Evil guys out to take over karate.

First off is they have to have Van Damme beat up the owner and break his leg. As an added bonus he then humiliates the young son.

Van Damme easily putting the teen in his place.

So the father packs up the family, loads the station wagon and heads to Seattle. There they settle into a home where the teen can continue to train in martial arts. He has the garage all set up with a ball hanging from the ceiling and a poster of Bruce Lee. He also makes friends with R.J. a guy who can dribble a basketball while riding a bike and break dance.

R.J. a break dancing Micheal Jackson wannabe.

But things aren’t all that perfect in the suburbs of Seattle. There is a gang of thirtysomething bullies that are always picking on R.J. Lead by a very hefty bully with a healthy appetite, they terrorize our friends and the father who now bartends.

Chunk from the Goonies all grown up.

There is some bright spots in our heroes life. A hot chick he knows has also apparently moved to Seattle. He goes to her birthday party but finds that the girl’s brother is friends with the local bullies. One of the bullies is in love with the hot chick and with the evil fat guy proceed to throw cake, punch and toss him around like a like boy. He goes running home. Now so far there is nothing but retreating and surrendering in this film. But stay with it.

Ghost of Bruce Lee and one of his goofy teaching moments.

He gets home and his father is all pissed off that he was involved in a fight. He goes nuts and throws out the karate magazines and horror of horrors tears the Bruce Lee poster. This gets the teen to run away to R.J.’s place. There he sets up a new training place. Lo and behold the ghost Bruce Lee shows up. An Asian guy that looks nothing like him gives the kid sound sage advice through beatings on the head and goofy analogies with glasses of water and soda.

Example of the intense hardcore training he undertakes.

Well what follows is endless montage of training to an eighties synth beat. Apparently this works for he later able to save his father from a gang of hooligans lead by fat bully. His father begins to understand that maybe fighting has a place after all. Well then comes the big fighting event. The evil guy comes to town with Van Damme to beat up the locals.

Van Damme intimidating the competition with his confidence.

Naturally he kicks every ones butt. He brutally beats them all and even the referee. While beating on the hot chick’s brother the girl tries to hit him with a stool.

Grabbing the hot chick’s hair.

Well this motivates our hero who jumps into the ring. He proceeds to give Van Damme a major beating that is rightfully deserved.

Hero to the rescue.

Naturally he wins and ends with the crowd lifting him up.

Wow was this a fun movie to riff on. The laughs were loud and plentiful. I don’t remember seeing this but they churned out so much crap back in the home video boom that even I couldn’t keep up with it. I loved this movie. It was quintessential eighties action movie. This one was if you took The Karate Kid and Rocky IV. Put it in a blender and dumped it over Van Damme’s head. This was also Joel Hodgson’s final live tour so they gave him a fond farewell at the end.

So here is the trailer to the show.

The trailer to the film

Finally the big fight final.

RIFFTRAX LIVE: THE GIANT SPIDER INVASION

So its the final Rifftrax Live for the year. They start off with a short Adventures in Telezonia. A weird short from 1950 that was put out by the telephone company. It had some creepy marionette named Handy that slides around the telephone lines and listens in on people’s conversations. He decides to help some kid who lost his dog and enlists his other creepy marionettes to use the telephones. Not that easy back in 1950 as they must navigate rotary phones, operators, party lines and mumbling marionettes. I did find one with a humorous commentary that you can watch here.

So the movie starts in Northern Wisconsin and a revival meeting. An old creepy guy with a back brace is leaving his lush wife to supposedly go to the revival. In reality he is going to see his hot girlfriend Helga in town. Meanwhile a meteor is heading to Earth and crashes on the farm in a blinding flash of light.

Philandering guy off to see his girlfriend.

This guy has a wife and girlfriend that are way too hot to be believable.

So anyway the next morning they find all their cattle mutilated. Fortunately the old guy comes up with a plan to just butcher the carcasses and sell the meat to Dutch’s cafe. Yes good old fashioned Northern Wisconsin dining.
But they also find some strange rocks. Inside are what appear to be diamonds and the old creep goes to town to consult his inbred cousin who happens to be a mineralogist. Apparently the standards for this field are extremely low.

At this time a scientist guy comes from NASA and teams up with a lady astronomer. They eventually come to the conclusion that a black hole was formed by the meteor and opened up a door to an alternate dimension. Of course this dimension is full of giant spiders. The strange rocks are the source of the spiders hatching tarantulas that eventually grow huge.

The giant spider goes around grabbing people and shoving them up his ass. Well soon a mob is formed but proves incompetent in stopping the spider. Luckily the scientists manage to shoot the spider with a flare gun that melts it and closes off the portal. How well SCIENCE!!! I don’t know what science but obviously some was used.

Alan Hale as the sheriff with is shirt always unbuttoned to show off his sexy chest.

Now this was just an enjoyable treat. You could not get a better movie to riff on. The farmer guy that was in a back brace and not only had a hot wife but a hot girlfriend on the side. If that wasn’t enough he hits on his underage sister-in-law who spends the movie with the least amount of clothing on. Then their is his wife who spends the whole movie drinking. There is like a bottle in every room and for breakfast she dumps a bottle of vodka into the blender with some juice.

Back Brace perv hitting on his underage sister-in-law.

Then there is the giant spider which was a VW covered with fur and had the legs attached. It was driven backwards so the taillights could be used for its red eyes.

Filmed in the small town of Merrill Wisconsin. I actually have family up there and have been to the town to attend some weddings. I can say you aren’t missing much.

And the trailer for the original movie.

Well that is it this year for Rifftrax Live but I do have my tickets for the live Mystery Science Theater 3000 Thirtieth Anniversary show. This November 2 I will be at the Miller High Life Theater for a showing of the classic Jean Claude Van Damme movie No Retreat, No Surrender. So see you then.

RIFFTRAX LIVE: STAR RAIDERS THE ADVENTURES OF SABER RAINE

So its that time of year for another Rifftrax Live. This time the 2017 sci-fi adventure Star Raiders The Adventures of Saber Raine. First though we were treated to an educational short from the sixties or seventies called Values: Telling the Truth. In it a school teacher talks to her class about telling the truth. He tells the story of three boys who were the best of friends. One day while out playing they come on a cement mixer. This fascinates them to no end. The guy putting in a decorative slab with small rocks in it offers the boys the left over rocks. They scoop them up into their pockets like they were gems. Then they go around and throw them at things like trees and fire hydrants. They come on a towel innocently hanging there and throw. Unfortunately the rocks go through the kitchen window and into some old bitty’s soup. She comes running out and catches the one that just stands there and berates him. The end. Not really sure what the moral of the story was supposed to be. Don’t hang around and get caught was what it told me.

Our heroes.

So it starts with a blue reptile woman being chased by some ships. Saber Raine comes and inserts himself between them so the reptile can escape but earns the wrath of his own people. So years later we find him slumming on some planet.

Hot chick and her father and uncle.

Some girl with red eyes and two men in their cosplay Punisher costumes with a half a sunglass are being attacked by zombie mutants. Saber decides to insert himself at the last minute. Seems these guys are there to rescue a kidnapped prince and princess from the evil Sinjin. A guy who had such a big zit that it literally popped off the top of his skull.

Man this guy was too late with the Clearasil.

Anyway we later find out he is in league with the princess Calliope. This leaves the prince who looks like K.D. Lang as the good guy. Well there is a whole convoluted plot with them traveling this planet and fighting off the various alien minions. They eventually rescue the prince and return him to his homeworld. At the end there is a hint of a sequel as Calliope and Sinjin arrive on a planet with giant robots to further their universe conquest plans.

I eat flies.

Well they sure picked a winner with this one. The plot was incomprehensible and convoluted as hell. The dialogue was atrocious and the acting as wooden as a redwood. Still this is my type of movie. It reminds me of the ones I rented back in the eighties and nineties.

Can’t get this app to work.

There is a charm to it. Some auteur who gets some local talent and friends together. Dusts off the old Commodore 64 for some special effects and has enough money to hire Casper Van Dien the friendliest of the Diens. Oh and they had some for a very brief cameo by Cynthia Rothrock who was in many martial arts films from the eighties and nineties. Yes this was definitely an enjoyable film and worthy of riffing on.

Evil princess with evil aliens.

So an encore presentation will play this Tuesday.

And in August the final movie of the year. The Giant Spider Invasion.