Copyright 1989

Killov has survived the destruction of the Nazi space station and escaped to Egypt. By sheer chance he parachutes in front of the leader of an Egyptian cult. They think he is a god and give him the ancient device used to build the Pyramids. The Qu’ul stick can lift any heavy object which is how the ancients build the pyramids. Killov destroys the Sphinx in testing it out but finally learns how to use it. So the next thing he does is gather his cult army and start to conquer North Africa. He lifts up whole mountains and drops them on villages. Soon he has southern Egypt, the Sudan, Chad and Libya under his control. The Soviets have too much internal problems to send any troops to stop him. So Ruwanda Rahallah goes and calls Rockson to come join him.

Ted Rockson the Doomsday Warrior immediately sets out with three friends to Egypt. They hijack a Soviet jet fighter which Rock knows how to pilot from reading the manual and off they go. When they get to Egypt they link up with Rahallah’s allies. A faction of Egyptians that were testing laser weapons with the American army when the war broke out. They hid in the old tombs and adopted the ancient Egyptian culture. Lead by Tutankhamen they ride elephants with laser guns implanted in their trunks. Still they are no match for Killov’s gravity sticks. An old man knows the secret of the one weapon that can make the Qu’ul sticks powerless and him, Rockson and Rahallah go to the Pyramids to get the Ra sticks in a secret chamber. Only Killov is waiting and sets a trap. He gets the Ra sticks and Rockson and Rahallah barely escape with their lives. Fortunately Rock has a plan and lures Killov and his army to the Aswan Dam where the laser elephants blow the dam and drown Killov’s army. Killov like a cockroach manages to survive to cause trouble another day.

Well the last book did promise some action in Egypt and it delivered. Seems that part of the world is as goofy as America has become. By now the Soviet empire is in complete collapse. Which in a sense mirrored current day events at the time. Rahallah the African prince manservant of the Soviet Premier is apparently an Oxford trained doctor. He fuses ancient African tribal witchcraft with modern medicine. So basically he strips down to his leopard loincloth and does his dance. Then gets busy with the laser scalpel. Interesting to finds out Oxford is still around and teaching some very weird alternative medicine. Rockson of course takes over the whole operation because he is the only competent awesome guy around. Thankfully the most beautiful of the Egyptian women falls in love with him so he doesn’t have to go without sex during his visit. This guy is one chick magnet. Starting with this book I can’t really remember what the books were about in this series. I know I bought them and read them but drawing a blank to what they were about. Which is good since its like reading them for the first time.

I am also finding that there is a reason they are so forgettable. The series was starting to go into decline. This book was interesting with its ancient alien artifacts and goofy Egyptian culture. I think the idea well was running dry as further books will attest to.



So another Rifftrax Live yesterday and the guys do the cult classic Krull. They skip the shorts for this one and start right off with the movie. So it opens with a sinister mountain in space with impressive music. The mountain lands and hordes of slayers exit on horseback. The narration tells how the Beast has been conquering worlds and now its Krulls turn. The two most powerful kingdoms on the planet decide to marry off the prince and princess to form an alliance. The kings hate it but it seems to be driven by the young couple who are truly in love.

Princess Lyssa waits for her future prince.

The young man arrives and soon the wedding takes place. Just as it ends the slayers come with their laser shooting swords and make short work of the sword welding Krullers. The princess is captured and all the others are killing including our hero prince Colwyn. But no the prince was only knocked out and some old geezer comes along to patch him up. After the whiny prince has his bout of self pity he decides to man up and follow the old geezer to rescue his love. First on the agenda is recovering the Glaive.

The Glaive for our brave hero.

What is the Glaive? Well its a kind of star claw shaped boomerang with point blades. Kind of looks cool but very impractical. After a bout of rock climbing the prince pulls the Glaive out a pool of lave without burning his hands. Then told to not use the Glaive until its time. So they continue on. They meet up with an inept wizard and some group of bandits. The bandits include a young Robbie Coltrane and Liam Neeson who are just starting their careers and the only actors that went on to stardom from this movie.

A young Liam.

Oh and they also pick up a giant cyclops who carries a trident and has a score to settle with the Beast.

Giant sad cyclops.

The group continues and must stop over at some wise old wizards place. You see the Beast’s mountain is always moving every day and they need this old coot to find the place. So they drag the old guy and his boy servant along.

Nearly blind old wizard.

Alas he can only help them if they go to a special place in the swamp. So they have to battle some of the slayers which will turn into giant worms and burrow into the ground if you kill them. (This is never really explained.)

Comic relief battles slayer.

Then they wander into some quicksand and have to pull themselves out but do lose one in the process. This allows a changeling to kill the old wizard and take its place. They have to then kill the changeling and now have no way of finding the mountain except The Widow of the Web.

Pulling themselves out of quicksand.

Now it luckily so happens the old man knows the widow and thinks he can get her help. So he goes to the old crone and it is his old love. She now is forced to live in a spiderweb guarded by a transparent giant spider. She is being punished for killing their son because she was upset with the old man. The old man is not really bothered by this news and gets her to tell the location. She gives him her magic sand so he can leave the giant spider. He does but gets seriously wounded in the process and dies soon after telling the prince the location.

Transparent Spider.

They must then reach the Iron Desert and the only way is the Fire Mares. These mares are actually Clydesdale horses that run so fast they create fire at their feet. Well they have no trouble corralling and capturing these mares.

Fire Mares.

They reach the tower and battle the slayers to enter. The cyclops sacrifices his life to hold the door open. So in this Salvadore Dali designed interior our hero confronts the Beast as his men battle slayers. He uses the Glaive which cuts through the cell to free the princess then plunges into the Beast’s chest. This is not enough to defeat the Beast but fortunately the prince and princess love one another. This love creates a flame that the prince is able to use to blast the beast and then blast a hole in the wall to escape. The mountain then disintegrates and flies off into space. The planet is saved and the couple’s son is destined to rule the galaxy.

The gang.

I love this movie. It is quintessential eighties movie. Yes you can wonder how a medieval society could fight some spacefaring aliens with laser swords and defeat them. In fact the whole plot is just pure goofy. Yet it is a fun movie. It was beautifully shot in Italy and has some spectacular scenery. The studio scenes at Pinewood on the 007 stage were also well done. The riffs were enjoyable and was a good movie to choose.

Coltrane wondering about the plot.

So this is the last of the Rifftraxs for the year but not for live performances. I just got my ticket to see the Mystery Science Theater 3000 live show that is traveling the country. November 15 at the Riverside Theater in Milwaukee. Will see you then.



Copyright 1988.

Astronomers in Century City have noticed something unusual. An old American space station has suddenly become active. The station was one of America’s star wars defense stations that was being built. Now it is being completed and there is worry about who could be reactivating this potentially powerful weapon. So as usual they decide to send Ted Rockson the Doomsday Warrior up to investigate. Fortunately they know of an old space shuttle that could still work. The Dynasoar is located in an old air force base in Montana now occupied by a vicious warlord. So Rock assembles his team and some other technical experts including two whiz kid teens.

On the way they almost get killed by an avalanche. They come on an old pre-war diner called U-ETE-HERE. It seems inviting enough and the team decides to stop for dinner. Only the diner is run by Vampyres a race of mutant women that need blood to survive. The food is drugged and the team is destined to be bled dry by the fiends. Chen manages to use his ninja skills to escape and the team make short work of the Vampyres.

So they have no problem sneaking into the underground base and find the Dynasoar in perfect condition after 100 years ready to take off. Who would have guessed the low bid contractors would build such a sturdy ship. They blast off into orbit. There they find the Astro Frenchies. They were French astronauts who were up in space to build a giant Eiffel Tower for the two hundredth anniversary of the revolution. Apparently they survived by finding a way to convert metal into edible protein.

So they find out that their enemy is rebuilding the space station. A group of Space Nazis. The Space Nazis are descended from a NASA Nazis scientist who with five followers blasted off into orbit and somehow not only survived but now number in the hundreds. Talk about a swallow gene pool. Indeed Fuhrer Glock is not the brightest bulb for his Space Nazis are taken over by none other than Killov. Soon Killov plans to use the station to rule the world. Fortunately Rock teams up with the Astro Frenchies to ram the Eiffel Tower they built into the station. Killov somehow manages to get into a space suit and reenter orbit. He parachutes into Egypt where a cult thinks he is a god descending from the heavens.

OK so the last book hinted the next would take place in outer space and the authors delivered. Once again they bring back Nazis only these are Space Nazis. Now this I can find believable. I mean lets face it they are up there. On the moon and lurking around in their rockets. The Astro Frenchies I suppose are also a suppose plausible. I could see the French building an Eiffel Tower in space if their space program was advanced enough at the time. Not really sure about stuff like them using plastic garbage bags for suits and aquariums and TV sets as helmets. Not a NASA scientist but somehow I don’t really see that stuff as being protection from the vacuum of space. He also really didn’t need to bother bringing his team along because they didn’t do anything except breath up the air supply.

So another goofier story than the last ends. Killov is still alive and they now hint at further adventures in Egypt.



Copyright 1988.

Rockson and his team arrive in California to respond to a call from a Freefighter group. The Surfcombers the most western group reports that Killov is once again causing trouble. So they arrive and have to fight off a tribe of neanderthal type mutants. The Surfcombers arrive on surfboards with flaming tridents to drive them off. This particular group are descended from the blonde stoner types that survived the war and formed their own society. One of the members tells how he traveled to the island of Rarapani. Formerly Johnson island the natives have lived in peace and isolation since the war. It was destroyed when Killov and his KGB troops invaded and took away their god Gnaa. Gnaa was a giant crystal that Killov has plans to turn into a weapon.

So with the help of the Surfcombers they mount an expedition in two boats Muscle Beach and Surf City. They encounter fierce storms and a sea of mutant seaweed that has captured hundreds of ships. Fortunately they manage to finds explosives on the old USS Nimitz and free themselves. They manage to reach Rarapani and the natives are most welcoming. The women are very friendly but unfortunately for Rock the woman he gets involved with has to remain a virgin because she serves their crystal god Gnaa. So he is the only one not getting any sex.

So the crystal was actually a secret weapon developed by the U.S. government. It would shoot a laser beam to a satellite mirror in space and be aimed at any place on the surface. Killov has taken over the island of Little Tokyo. An island that the survivors of the sinking of Japan escaped to and rebuild a smaller copy of Tokyo. Killov needs the Tokyo tower to focus his new weapon.

Anyway Rock manages to get help from his virginal girlfriend and the chief but has to force Archer to marry his big-boned daughter. Then the expedition sets out for Little Tokyo. They team up with the local resistance the Bushido. They assault the KGB held tower and destroy the crystal but this causes the volcano to erupt and sink the island. Fortunately Leilani and her people will take in the survivors. Also fortunately with the crystal destroyed Leilani is no longer obligated to be a virgin. Unfortunately Killov survives by being rescued by a mysterious group that has taken him into outer space.

Well this book was a fun goofy little ride. The gang travel to the Pacific and battle Killov in a replica of Old Tokyo. I wonder where Killov gets all these KGB troops. Even Rockson ponders that. Is there some sort of agency you can call for KGB troops in the future. A question that remains unanswered. Not a nice guy to work for. I mean he makes his men work in a hurricane on the roof and they get blown off. Somehow good benefits just don’t seem worth it.

A big development is that Killov gets a friend. Nakashima who worships death enthusiastically agrees to help Killov. So smitten with Killov he asks if Killov would kill him whenever he wanted to. This touching gesture moves Killov and they develop a real bromance. Nobody ever wanted to be killed by Killov unless getting tortured. Seems the only one who loved him was is mother before he killed her. Sadly for Nakashima his wishes aren’t fulfilled as Rockson manages to kill the guy. Rock gets arrested and send to the local mental ward where the doctors wonder if he was doing this aggression out of how sexually inadequate the tower made him. If they knew Rock its the tower that would feel sexually inadequate.

So this motley band armed with war clubs, flaming tridents and samurai swords manage to take on troops with tanks and machine guns and win. Totally believable. The ending hints that the next book will take place in space. And why not? Seems the only logical place to take this series is into outer space.



Copyright 1987.

The Russians are broadcasting a message from Premier Vassily. He wants to hold a peace conference in Washington. The council of Century City debates whether to send a delegation. It narrowly is defeated but Rockson decides to check it out anyway. So with his Rock squad sets out for Washington. In Kansas they meet a small village inhabited by an Amish type people called the Clavendish. They are friendly and offer Rock and his team their hospitality and give them a feast of corn. Seems the Clavendish worship corn and have a corn god idol. They have cornbread, corn pie, corn flakes, corn sauce, corn pudding, corn juice.(Didn’t know you could make juice out of corn.) These people love their corn and also need sacrifices to their corn god. I suppose you can forgive them for not seeing right away that nothing good can come from corn worshippers since they don’t have access to horror movies. So they are drugged but luckily Archer manages to be too big for the drugs to take effect. So they escape and blow up the corn god statue.

Later in Illinois they hijack a truck that has chemical weapons signs so they have no problem making it the Washington without being stopped. There they attend the conference and find out Vassily is very serious about peace. He offers to end slavery and hold free elections. It looks as if peace may be a reality. At the ceremony on the Soviet battlecruiser/aircraft carrier Dreadnaught it is interrupted by a savage attack. Killov has recruited Arab terrorists under Dhul Quarnain to attack. With helicopters from an oil tanker they take over the powerful warship. Now with nuclear weapons Killov demands that all power is turned over to him or he’ll start launching the missiles. Rock and his Freefighters must join forces with Vassily’s elite guard to stop Killov’s mad plan to take over the world.

So in 1987 glasnost was the big rage. Apparently the authors jumped on the bandwagon to have a sort of detente with the Soviets. Indeed from this book the series has the Russians for the most part out of the picture. It would be just the evil Killov and his mad schemes or some other kooky madman. The times were a changing. So in this one the Russians and Americans join forces against some muslim terrorists that Killov is using. Some interesting facts are that the terrorists are fighting to free occupied Palestine which suggests that Israel still exists. Or someone else is occupying the land. Rahallah the African prince wears a leopard loincloth under his tuxedo because you know he’s African. Oh and the authors must have something against Kansas. At the beginning Rona one of Rock’s girlfriends is wearing a t-shirt that says “I saw Kansas and it sucks.” After the encounter with the corn worshipping Amish they comment that they are glad to be leaving Kansas. I have never been to Kansas but will say it does seem a dull place that is not high on my lists to visit.

So the format might be changing a bit but it still has the basic goofy premise. Weird communities and mutant creatures. The pill popping Killov and his mad schemes to conquer and destroy the Earth. Killov does survive and will be back.