CHRISTMAS SLAUGHTER BY MARK GRANT

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Copyright 1991.

The Christmas holiday is approaching and the mutants are getting ready to celebrate. Seems they have adopted the holiday are their own and celebrate with presents and carols such as “We Wish You A Mutie Christmas.” Things are looking bad for humans. Emperor Charlemagne has a plan for the final solution. Dr. Narfod Moonguley a graduate of MIT(Mutant Institute of Technology) and Time’s Mutant of the Year is heading a diabolical plan. Forming Planned Genocide Inc. humans deemed surplus are being shipped to the P.G. Pyramid in New San Francisco. There they are ground up and the needed DNA is extracted and stored for future use.

So the human rebels hear and send their best which is Max Turkel and his companions Jack Bender and Phil Potts. They go into New San Francisco to find the local resistance The Cleavers. Named after the sixties radical Eldridge Cleaver the group has a suicidal fanaticism in fighting the mutants. Lead by Hosannah Brown the African Queen they conduct raids that slaughter mutants all over the city. Max and friends also get a new ally in SU912. SU stands for seduction unit. A terminator unit that was created to specifically assassinate Max. Unfortunately the mutants gave it too much initiative and the unit is disgusted with the mutants and goes over to the resistance. Called Sue she is a beautiful redhead who is nearly indestructible and very deadly. The rebels attack the mutants operations in a final action packed assault.

So what is more festive than a killer mutant in a Santa Claus outfit. The final book in the series came out in December and the writer decided to have it occur during Christmas. Now David Bischoff wrote the first four. This was written by a Bruce King. I admit I didn’t notice a change in the writing style. He kept up the same elements. A goofy plot, funny names and plenty of action and gratuitous sex. San Francisco in the mutant future apparently attracts the counter-culture types as it did when the world was human. There are hippy mutants. Gay mutants. Hare Krishna Mutants. Of course all are gleefully gunned down by the human rebels. They get great pleasure in shooting down mutants as they go about the holiday shopping or Christmas caroling.

One part of Charlemagne’s plan is he is disgusted by human reproduction and wants them to not enjoy it. Dr. Moonguley seems to have had some success as our heroes find out when they are captured and taken for breeding.

“I don’t collect the sperm samples, sweetie.” she said as she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. “I just get you primed for the collector.”
The door opened then, and through it rolled another of the insectoid robotic assistants. Turkel took a dislike to it on the spot. The machine rolled silently over to him, and from the assortment of apparatus with which it was covered, something that looked like a metallic mouth glided forward unerringly and enveloped his stalwart tool.
“Excuse me, but I’m picky about where I put my prong, okay?” Max declared. “Agh!” The orifice had just clamped tightly around the poker. “Well, the appetizer was terrific, but I don’t think I’m going to enjoy the main course,” he said to the girl who still stood by the door.
“That’s a real safe bet, baby. Believe me,” she said.
Then the robot turned on the vacuum and the voltage, and Maximillian Turkel’s sexual horizons were once again expanded as he bellowed what he thought of Charlemagne.

Interesting that this book dropped the Mutants Amok. I don’t know if this was some new marketing ploy. I think the publisher knew that this series time was limited. This book is hard to find because of a small print run. I was lucky to find it going for $10. Used ones are going for $35 and new over $400. So if you find one at a garage sale or bookstore you should grab it. Might make a good profit.

Now I think the writers had fun writing this series. I know I had fun reading it. Probably the publisher came up with the idea and David Bischoff seeing how goofy it was just let himself go. A fun way to end the year. So next year I’ll be back with something more down to Earth. Until then have yourself a Mutie Christmas and Happy New Year.

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MUTANTS AMOK #4 HOLOCAUST HORROR BY MARK GRANT

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Copyright 1991.

Emperor Charlemagne is up to no good. He has recruited a turncoat human Edward Wilkins. Wilkin’s grandfather was a nuclear scientist and hid some nuclear weapons at a secret location in Arizona. Now Charlemagne is close to possessing nuclear weapons which he plans to use in conquering the world. Braingeneral Hartan is appalled at the thought of nuclear weapons that could start a new arms race and mutants being mutants would most likely destroy the world. So he notifies his reluctant ally Max Turkel.

Turkel is hanging out in the deserts of Southern California with his buddies Jack Bender, Phil Potts and Jill Morningstar. The human resistance has already found out Charlemagne’s plan. Now they have to battle the Braingeneral Fixx who is in charge of security. He has a new mutant weapon the Rotants, a hybrid of humans and rats. He also has advanced cyborgs. It all ends in a spectacular nuclear exploding final.

Well this book has a lot going on. First Jack Bender loses his girlfriend Jill in a raid. He is despondent although coming to the realization that she was batshit cuckoo. Unfortunately he is such a stud he isn’t allowed to get some time of morning without some girl crawling into his bed. A girlfriend of Phil’s develops the hots for him and he wakes up and finds her in bed with him. He also sleeps in the nude and wonders if maybe he should stop doing it. He does manage to convince her to sleep with Phil so he can finally get some rest. Apparently he has been having sex almost constantly since he was fifteen and likes the time off. This guy has had a hard life.

Max finds himself a girl in Captain Marty Abrahams of the 47th Guerrilla Division of the General Resistance Movement. Here is a quote that describes her leadership style.

When she caught her men looking at her, the usual dialogue went something like this.
“Soldier, you looking at my boobs or my butt?”
“Uh…Well…”
“You wanna fuck me, mister?”
“No sir!”
“Why not?”
“I-uh-I…”
“If I catch you looking at me like that again, soldier, I want you ready to get down and dirty. But I gotta warn you, asshole. You don’t get it up, you don’t keep it up, you come too soon… or in any way, shape or form you ain’t man enough to satisfy me.. I’m gonna cut your balls, eat’em for breakfast, and do a review of the meal for Stars and Stripes!
Then she’d start unbuckling her belt and the man would invariably not only back off, but never even think of her in a lewd way again.
Which was okay with Captain Marty Abrahams.
She’d rather kill mutants than fuck any day.

Sounds like a real high maintenance girl to me. Still her and Turkel hit is off.

“Oh Jeez. Oh, you bastard.”
“MMMMMMph!” said Turkel.
“Okay, okay. Fuck me!”
“HmmmmmmmMMMMMMPH!”
“Oh..Jesus…Okay. GOD! Fuck me Turkel..Please!”
Turkel stood up and dropped his pants. Old Faithful was saluting the officer before it, eager to storm the gates. He spread her legs and she groaned with gratification as he slid his swollen self into her hot and glistening center. Soon enough Turkel didn’t care who might be watching. All he knew was that if someone was, he should charge for this incredible performance.

Well some other interesting tidbits. The renegade scientist is assigned an Igor. A mutant designed to be a lab assistant. They are called Igor because of a second brain stored in a hump on the back. Dr. Wilkin’s abuse of his Igor named Trevor results in Trevor turning on him at the end. And also forgot but last book we learn that the country they are in is called The United States of Canada. The rebels are also well equipped. They have tanks and hinted they have B-52s.

So there is one final book in the series. Appropriately enough it came out in December and was a Christmas themed book. So it is only appropriate that I will have the review on Christmas day. Its festive title and cover demand a posting on that day.

MUTANTS AMOK #3 REBEL ATTACK BY MARK GRANT

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Copyright 1991.

Max Turkel has escaped his captivity and has news that Jack Bender’s girl Jennifer is still alive. She has been taken to Hollywood to appear in a mutant snuff film. So the next thing for the group is to head on to L.A. They first hijack an armored RV and after killing a few Mutant Highway Patrolmen are off to Hollywood. Along the way Max finds out he can’t drink alcohol anymore. This is because Braingeneral Hartan has replaced his liver with a mechanical one. It also can pop out of his abdomen and talk. Seems Hartan wants to make sure that Turkel honors his agreement. He supports going to L.A. and wants the group to assassinate one Martin Luther ‘Hairy’ Kahn. Kahn is the big shot producer in Hollywood. He is described as a villain, a thief, a murderer, a child molester, a pervert and worst of all a thundering bore. Sounds like Hollywood hasn’t changed after the mutant apocalypse.

Meanwhile Jennifer is cast in Kahn’s next big production Blade Babes from Babylon. Directed by Foxtrot Bennington-Spleen. Jennifer’s only friend is Algernon Waugh an English mutant who is the casting director. She falls in love with the mutant. Unfortunately she doesn’t know that she is to be killed so her DNA can be combined with Marilyn Monroe so the that industry can crank out an endless supply of beautiful blond actresses to use.

So Max, Jack Bender, Phil Potts and Jill Morningstar arrive in L.A. They find it a polluted city with twenty-four hour gridlock and overrun by gangs that have the DNA of Chicano and Black gangs from the Twentieth Century. Once again sounds like nothing has changed after the mutant apocalypse. They go to Max’s halfsie contact who is a clone of Elvis Presley. An Elvis fanatic created a whole bunch and later was hunted down by his creations and stabbed with a sharpened guitar neck. They fight their way to the studio and in a spectacular showdown defeat Kahn. Jennifer decides she loves Algernon Waugh and will accompany him to New York where he got a job as an editor for a book publisher.

Just when you think it couldn’t get more outrageous or crazy the author outdoes himself. So where to begin. The talking liver that Max has. The wild party thrown by Kahn. He literally makes a writer eat shit. Spread it on a cracker like pate and eat it. I guess writers still get no respect in Hollywood. The goofy film they are producing. In a move that Corman would love they don’t need special effects. They have the extra mutants literally kill each other for the fight scenes. The ending has a tribute to Mel Brook’s The Producers. Apparently mutants love Mel Brooks. Here is the scene from it.

EVA: You look so dashing today, mein Fuhrer!
HITLER: It is the light of love in my heart, fair Valyrie!
EVA: My heaving loins yearn for the pounding of your mighty member and your single but quite manly testicle.
HITLER: Ja, but first we must conquer Poland.
EVA: Liebchen! But of course. But allow me first to kiss your brave and valiant sword of the Fatherland.
HITLER: Of course. Just don’t slobber too much.

Well this sounds like a quality production. So we have Max who by his own words only knows the three Fs- Freedom, Fighting and Fucking. I can say that the guy does have trouble with any abstract concept that doesn’t involve the three Fs. Then there is Jack Bender who is balancing his current jealous girlfriend while going to save his former girlfriend he though was dead. Now Jill Morningstar is just batshit cuckoo. I guess guys will overlook that when the woman is beautiful and great in bed but batshit cuckoo. Come to think of it his old girlfriend leaves him for a mutant so she was a bit batshit cuckoo too. So far every woman seems to be batshit cuckoo. Crazy world after the mutant apocalypse.

MUTANTS AMOK #2 MUTANT HELL BY MARK GRANT

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Copyright 1991.

Max Turkel the famous human resistance leader is now the prisoner of Emperor Charlemagne in Cheyenne Mountain. The emperor plans to torture information out of Max with the mutant mind probe. While having an audience with the emperor Max defiantly manages to piss in the face of the emperor and short circuit his cybernetics. Luckily for him his new recruits Jack Bender and Phil Potts are winging their way to rescue him in an old Cessna.

First Jack and Phil land at a farm in Kansas for fuel and find a normal looking family with a beautiful daughter. These are actually mutant halfsies the mutants that were privately created by private individuals and not the military or administrative classes. These halfsies make up the majority of the mutant population and are barely tolerated by the true mutant overlords. At first this family seems helpful but they are in fact a mutant succubus type of mutants. The beautiful daughter first tries to seduce Jack Bender but since his fiance died yesterday he feels it wouldn’t be right. This sensitive side saves him since she then goes to the virginal Phil Potts who is more than willing . He soon finds out the mutant has a sort of viagra in her saliva and literally almost screws him to death as she attempts to drain him of sperm. Human DNA fetches a prime price on the mutant black market.

Well Jack comes to the rescue and kills the succubus mutant and her family. The two take off and then land at an Indian reservation in Colorado. Its run by chief Joe Bullfeathers and his sixties rock playing band. There is also a beautiful woman named Jill Morningstar. Now she at night goes to seduce Jack Bender and since its two days after the death of his fiance he figures that’s enough of mourning. And these people are real humans. So after fighting off a mutie biker gang they find Max Turkel passed out not too far from them. It seems a renegade Braingeneral Harlan arranged his escape. He wants to overthrow Charlemagne and establish peace with the humans. Max escapes after a fight were he kills Braingeneral Torx and cuts off his hands. He reveals at the end that Jack’s girl Jennifer is still alive.

The second book in the series is more goofy than the first. The scene where Max is interrogated by Charlemagne and the emperor spits a big load of snot in Turkel’s face. Not the be outdone Max has to go real bad and unloads right in the emperor’s face. Its just so juvenile that I love it. Then later under the mind probe it is revealed that Turkel has money hidden away that wasn’t reported to the IRS. In this dystopia even the IRS can overrule the mad mutant emperor. This is how Braingeneral Harlan gets Max out.

Now Jack Bender has a real hard life. He can’t go to bed without some beautiful woman trying to climb in and have sex with him. His super-sensitivity saves him from the succubus but obviously two days is an unrealistic wait for this super stud. Some interesting things we find out that there is a Royal Mutant Mounted police that is designed to look like southern sheriffs. They have mirrored sunglasses and big guts to store their .357 magnum and favorite beer Spudweiser.

So I will end with the scene where the succubus almost kills poor Phil Potts.

Penny stroked him admiringly. “You see. Now please Phil. Use it.”
He did. And this time he lasted a great deal longer, and when he came it felt as though he was spurting about half his bodily fluids into her. All in all, he was very pleased with himself. He’d read at this point you were supposed to light a cigarette. But since he had no cigarette, he just lay back on his pillow and grinned.
But the strange sensations still thrummed in his body.
And he was astonished to find that he still had an erection.
“Again!, said Penelope. “Oh yes, please! Again!”
By now, Phil Potts could barely think straight, and it was an easy thing to acquiesce, strange as it was. And so they did it again.
And Again.
And Again.
And before Phil knew it, he was totally consumed in endless sex.

I suppose there are worse ways to go in life.

MUTANTS AMOK BY MARK GRANT

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Copyright 1991.

In the late twenty-first century the world is dominated by mutants. It starts with the Great Rebellion of South Africa in 2017. As the black population rises up against the Apartheid government they unleash their secret weapon. Genetically created mutant soldiers kill hundreds of thousands and crush the rebellion. After this a sort of mutant arms race is started by the nations of the world. Since all the countries have banned nuclear weapons the nations now fight their wars with mutants. Soon smarter mutants are created and Braingenerals are formed. These Braingenerals develop a sort of Zen philosophy called The Way. They also rebel against their human masters. Now all humans are locked in slave camps kept alive only because the mutants still need human genetic material to reproduce their kind.

Max Turkel the infamous human leader of the resistance is the only survivor of a raid on an airbase in Kansas. He steals an old Cessna and it crashed next to a farm slave complex in Iowa. Jack Bender finds him and hides him out in his secret treehouse. Now Jack is content with his life and getting ready to marry his girl Jennifer. The mutants though are conducting medical experiments lead by Braingeneral Torx. They have been secretly kidnapping humans for the experiments. Now Jack with Max and his buddy Phil Potts must rescue Jennifer from the mutants insidious experiment.

So I remember seeing this book series years ago and thinking it had potential but for some reason never got it. I recently read some reviews for it and the rare book in this series was finally priced at a reasonable amount so I decided to get it for Christmas. This series is awesome. I can’t believe I missed it back then. It has no pretension to being anything but an over the top action series with gratuitous violence and even more gratuitous sex. Indeed between the action scenes is non-stop sex described in vivid detail. Our old experienced hero Turkel manages to teach the young inexperienced Jack Bender how to have oral sex. And he is a quick learner.

Being the first book in the series it is probably the slowest what with having to have all the exposition. The far future of 2017. So basically the mutants have various classes that are both military and civil servant. The top is ruled by emperors which are giant blobs with cybernetics that control the various countries. North America is ruled by Emperor Charlemagne. Next are the Braingenerals and the main villain is Braingeneral Torx who hates all humans. Then there are various classes. Most mutants seem to be dumb as tree stumps. At the beginning Turkel is fighting a two-headed mutant. Some failed attempt by a third world country to double the intelligence of its soldiers. Turkel shoves his empty AK into its mouth. It reaches up with its hand with a buzz saw attached and manages to chop its own head off.

Turkel seem to be a real happy-go-lucky guy who is just having fun killing mutants. Jack Bender is the good looking stud that every woman wants. Phil Potts the geeky sidekick. At the end they fail to rescue Jennifer in time and Turkel is captured and taken to Cheyenne mountain where Charlemagne is located. So Jack and Phil manage to escape after killing their farm complexes sadistic mutant supervisor Brownie with an automatic seed planter. Since it proved popular last time I will end with an example of some of the glorious sex scenes written about.

He didn’t have to take off his pants, fortunately. He just unbottoned his fly and grouped around in his underwear.
Meantime, Jenny stepped to a table and leaned over it, spreading her legs and smiling at him with an eager urgency.
“Okay, Jack. Okay, I’m ready.”
“Yeah, I am too. Let me just get it out.”
“Goodness, you’d think you had enough practice in the latrines!”
“The sucker’s not swollen to four times its natural size when I uses the latrine.” He laughed, and she joined him. “Besides,” he said, “it’s worth the wait, huh?”
“We’ll see.”
“Oh yeah! You just wait!”

So he does finally get it out after such beautiful dialogue.

Jeez the girl certainly took the romance out of things. But it was enough to soften him enough that he could slip his penis out. He stepped over and rubbed himself against her and he got right back up to snuff. She seemed to inhale him with her pubis and before he knew it he was in instinct land and they were making the famous Great Two-Backed Mutant.

Needless to say it goes on for another two pages. Suffice it to say Jennifer was quite satisfied.

THE LOST CONTINENT BY EDGAR RICE BURROUGHS

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tarzan

Jefferson Turck is a lieutenant in the Pan-American navy in the year 2137. He gets his first assignment the Coldwater a combination submarine helicopter. He takes it out on a routine patrol from the Azores to Iceland. A violent storm damages the engines and forces to ship to cross the forbidden 30th meridian.

In this future the nations of the western hemisphere have come together to form one nation. The great war that started in 1914 had generated such an isolationist outlook the Pan-American Federation forbid any travel over 30 meridian in the Atlantic and 175 in the Pacific. Now two centuries later the rest of the world is an unknown terra incognita.

Turck decides to lead an expedition to explore Britain. While on this expedition he is left behind by a treacherous subordinate. Abandoned he sets out to find civilization. Britain is a desolate island that is overrun by lions and tigers that probably escaped from zoos. He rescues a young woman named Victory who turns out to be the queen of England. She had been deposed as queen and the two head over to the mainland.

Going down the Rhine the two are taken prisoner by black soldiers. Europe is now being colonized by the Abyssinian empire. Abyssinia now rules all of Africa and in a role reversal colonizes and enslaves the primitive tribes of Europe. Turck is sold as a slave to an Abyssinian general and Victory is destined for the emperors harem.

Taken to New Gondar a city built on the ruins of Berlin he arrives just in time to see the city fall to the invading Chinese empire. Rescuing Victory the two find the Chinese an advanced and civilized empire that rules all of Asia. Taken back to the capital Turck finds that the Pan-American Federation has established relations with the Chinese and he is considered a hero for crossing the meridian.

This book was written in 1915 and shows the strong isolationist sentiment at the time. I suppose for observers at the time it did look like the great war would drag on forever. The book also has the role reversal between Africa and Europe. This was a real interesting futuristic book. One of Burroughs more obscure but most unique stories.

BEYOND THE FARTHEST STAR BY EDGAR RICE BURROUGHS

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A young American volunteer in the RAF is shot down in 1939. Instead of dying he finds himself mysteriously teleported to the planet Poloda. Poloda is millions of light years from Earth. He finds himself in the country of Unis and is adopted by its people.

Unis is one of two countries left on the planet. They have been at war with Kapar which is a Nazi type country bent on world conquest. Unis is the only country that has successfully resisted them and has been waging a war for centuries. From underground cities, tens of thousands of airplanes sortie on bombing missions.

Tangor as the young American is named becomes a pilot for Unis. One day a traitor attempts to recruit him as an agent of Kapar. Tangor agrees to pretend to defect to Kapdor. Kapdor is close to developing an interstellar spacecraft and Unis wants it to escape the planet and the endless war with the Kapars.

Once in the capital city he finds himself in an oppressive society. Under constant surveillance by the Zabo, the secret police, he doesn’t know who to trust. Eventually he gains the trust of Kapar’s ruler and is allowed to work on the spacecraft project. With the help of a highly placed Unis spy he escapes with the plans. It ends with Tangor testing the prototype craft on a mission to another planet.

This is story that was most likely to be an ongoing series in the tradition of Mars and Pellucidar. Unfortunately Burrough’s time as a war correspondent then poor health resulted in the one book only. It is a shame since I think this whole new world of Pangor had infinite possibilities. It was written at the height of the Battle of Britain so it probably looked like an endless future of aerial warfare was a possibility. The Kapars are clearly Nazis with their Gestapo like Zabo and beliefs in racial purity. Unlike the Zani’s in Carson of Venus these fascists are a lot more sinister then the buffoons written about in Carson’s world. It shows how attitudes had changed about the Nazis from before WWII to the current one during the war.