Copyright 1991.

The Christmas holiday is approaching and the mutants are getting ready to celebrate. Seems they have adopted the holiday are their own and celebrate with presents and carols such as “We Wish You A Mutie Christmas.” Things are looking bad for humans. Emperor Charlemagne has a plan for the final solution. Dr. Narfod Moonguley a graduate of MIT(Mutant Institute of Technology) and Time’s Mutant of the Year is heading a diabolical plan. Forming Planned Genocide Inc. humans deemed surplus are being shipped to the P.G. Pyramid in New San Francisco. There they are ground up and the needed DNA is extracted and stored for future use.

So the human rebels hear and send their best which is Max Turkel and his companions Jack Bender and Phil Potts. They go into New San Francisco to find the local resistance The Cleavers. Named after the sixties radical Eldridge Cleaver the group has a suicidal fanaticism in fighting the mutants. Lead by Hosannah Brown the African Queen they conduct raids that slaughter mutants all over the city. Max and friends also get a new ally in SU912. SU stands for seduction unit. A terminator unit that was created to specifically assassinate Max. Unfortunately the mutants gave it too much initiative and the unit is disgusted with the mutants and goes over to the resistance. Called Sue she is a beautiful redhead who is nearly indestructible and very deadly. The rebels attack the mutants operations in a final action packed assault.

So what is more festive than a killer mutant in a Santa Claus outfit. The final book in the series came out in December and the writer decided to have it occur during Christmas. Now David Bischoff wrote the first four. This was written by a Bruce King. I admit I didn’t notice a change in the writing style. He kept up the same elements. A goofy plot, funny names and plenty of action and gratuitous sex. San Francisco in the mutant future apparently attracts the counter-culture types as it did when the world was human. There are hippy mutants. Gay mutants. Hare Krishna Mutants. Of course all are gleefully gunned down by the human rebels. They get great pleasure in shooting down mutants as they go about the holiday shopping or Christmas caroling.

One part of Charlemagne’s plan is he is disgusted by human reproduction and wants them to not enjoy it. Dr. Moonguley seems to have had some success as our heroes find out when they are captured and taken for breeding.

“I don’t collect the sperm samples, sweetie.” she said as she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. “I just get you primed for the collector.”
The door opened then, and through it rolled another of the insectoid robotic assistants. Turkel took a dislike to it on the spot. The machine rolled silently over to him, and from the assortment of apparatus with which it was covered, something that looked like a metallic mouth glided forward unerringly and enveloped his stalwart tool.
“Excuse me, but I’m picky about where I put my prong, okay?” Max declared. “Agh!” The orifice had just clamped tightly around the poker. “Well, the appetizer was terrific, but I don’t think I’m going to enjoy the main course,” he said to the girl who still stood by the door.
“That’s a real safe bet, baby. Believe me,” she said.
Then the robot turned on the vacuum and the voltage, and Maximillian Turkel’s sexual horizons were once again expanded as he bellowed what he thought of Charlemagne.

Interesting that this book dropped the Mutants Amok. I don’t know if this was some new marketing ploy. I think the publisher knew that this series time was limited. This book is hard to find because of a small print run. I was lucky to find it going for $10. Used ones are going for $35 and new over $400. So if you find one at a garage sale or bookstore you should grab it. Might make a good profit.

Now I think the writers had fun writing this series. I know I had fun reading it. Probably the publisher came up with the idea and David Bischoff seeing how goofy it was just let himself go. A fun way to end the year. So next year I’ll be back with something more down to Earth. Until then have yourself a Mutie Christmas and Happy New Year.


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