THE GAIAN EXPEDIENT BY WAYLAND DREW

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Copyright 1985.

The young Asa joins the Yggdrasil project. He shows himself to be a smart man with an endless curiosity to learn. He moves up the ranks quickly as first a peregrinus those agents are responsible to monitor and control the tribes in the Erthring. He successfully manages to bring the Yuloks back to following the rules. Things though are starting to change. Yggdrasil is running toward the end of the two hundred years the founders gave the project. Supplies are dwindling. Tribes from outside the Erthring are assaulting the borders. There are those who want to abandon the project and turn to the old ways that destroyed the planet.

A riddle left by the old ones in the form of locked vaults is solved. It reveals that there is another Erthring in South America. The Erthring is called Xtaplacia. An expedition is mounded to visit. They find a gleaming city on top of a plateau. It is inhabited by people who have abandoned the project and live a life of decadence dedicated to music. Disappointed Asa returns and upon hearing of the location of his wife Persis he abandons his position and heads out to the outer wylds. He finds his wife in time before she dies and the son that he never knew he had. He is met at the end by his friend Alva who has come to inform him that he has been made the Master of Norriya head of one of the administering districts in the Erthring.

The second in the Erthring Cycle trilogy. In this one we learn more about Yggdrasil. It was founded by a rich man named Tuperman who recruited six other millionaires and formed the project. It is lavishly supplied with helicopters and submarines and a supercomputer. All to keep the local tribes down while scholars spend time to research how to make humans one with the Earth. Obviously the whole project is one big waste of time. Interesting the South American Erthring took the other extreme action and is destined to end at the same place as Yggdrasil. Tuperman seems like some crazy moonbat with delusions of grandeur. He devised these riddles that opened vault doors to parcel out information and named the place after Norse mythology. This is such an interesting well written book. You do want to find out how it ends even though you know its not going to end well.

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THE MEMOIRS OF ALCHERINGIA BY WAYLAND DREW

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Copyright 1984.

Asa of the Alcheringians is a young seventeen year old on his first raid. Approved by the tribal elders and sanctioned by the gods it is a rite of passage for all young men. The raid is a success and many woman are taken including his future wife Persis. He also earns the enmity of Garm for humiliating him and leaving him bound. Life is good for Asa but things are changing. The young of the tribe are rebelling against the old ways. They want to change and stop the nomadic lifestyle. Start domesticating animals and planting crops. This is in direct violation to the Tabuly that was ordained by the gods.

The gods are actually a group of scientists and scholars on the island chain of Yggdrasil. Before the nuclear war destroyed civilization a group was formed and sheltered on these islands. There mission was to find a way for man to live in harmony with nature. So they formed the Project which keeps the tribes on the mainland a primitive society through the tribal traditions they instituted. Now to stop the Alcheringians they must consider wiping out the tribe to stabilize the Project.

The first book in The Erthring Cycle trilogy. This was by a Canadian author who is an English high school teacher. He didn’t write much and this was his only foray into science fiction. He is a very good writer. This post-apocalyptic society of some intellectuals determined to save the human race from itself is a unique idea with enjoyable characters and settings. It is a sad book as the Alcheringians are destroyed by manipulating the surrounding tribes to attack. So here we have this group that states life is precious but willing to wipe out a people to preserve their goofy project. At the end Asa is the only survivor and his wife is taken by Garm who organized the attack. He ends with Asa going to join the Yggdasilians at the end. I found it fascinating read.

PLANET OF THE APES TALES FROM THE FORBIDDEN ZONE EDITED BY RICH HANDLEY AND JIM BEARD

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Copyright 2017.

UNFIRED by Dan Abnett

A group of mutants is making a pilgrimage to the holy church in the east. They are lead by a mutant who is unfired i.e. surgically altered so he does not have his psychic power and can kill to protect the pilgrims. They deliver a recently discovered holy scripture the launch codes for the Alpha-Omega missile.

MORE THAN HUMAN, LESS THAN APE by Nancy A. Collins

A young Cornelius goes on an archaeological expedition. They are ambushed by a tribe of baboons. Cornelius befriends the leader and lives among them and learns their culture. An army of gorillas comes and massacres the tribe. Baboons are monkeys and not apes so there is no violation of the sacred scrolls.

BLOOD BROTHERS by Will Murray

From the TV series. Galen, Virdon and Burke are continuing their quest and come to the Napa valley. It is inhabited by Native Americans lead by a gorilla. The gorilla was raised by the tribe and is their chief. He is also the brother of General Urko. He defeats Urko and the fugitives continue on.

THE PACING PLACE by Bob Mayer

An alternate world in which Taylor and Nova are not captured by mutants. They found a settlement called Fort Wayne and teach the younger humans how to talk. The pacing place is the place that Taylor paced while waiting for the birth of his son. A tradition starts where all men pace when their women are giving birth. Taylor dies with a thriving human civilization started.

MURDERER’S ROW by John Jackson Miller

A TV producer for the Hexagon Broadcasting Network has a show that will make the network competitive. He will get the future apes Zira and Cornelius to do a variety show on Saturday also known as Murderer’s Row for the killer competition.

ENDANGERED SPECIES by Greg Cox

Years before the movie a young chimpanzee researcher named Janae is studying humans. She notices that they seem to suppress the ability to speak and decides to try and teach a human to speak. She is murdered by gorillas to stop this heresy.

DANGEROUS IMAGININGS by Paul Kupperberg

A brilliant chimpanzee in an alternate future where the Earth wasn’t destroyed finds the backpack of the astronauts. He uses what he finds to invent new and wondrous inventions. This causes Zaius and the science council to crack down because these inventions are inspired by human technology.

OF MONSTERS AND MEN by Kevin J. Anderson and Sam Knight

A young Zaius goes on a scientific expedition to the Forbidden Zone. It is attacked by lizard creatures and while taking shelter in an old museum learns the truth about humans.

THE UNKNOWN APE by Andrew E.C. Gaska

A story from the animated series. General Urko has taken control of the Alpha-Omega missile and plans to use it against his enemies. Then a mixed army of apes, humans and mutants are lead by the Unknown Ape. This ape is Caesar from the past. With his friends Virgil and MacDonald have traveled to the future to stop the destruction of the world. Caesar manages to destroy the missile by sacrificing his life. Peace ensues between humans, mutants and apes.

SILENCED by Jim Beard

A tale of a young woman who was Taylor’s girlfriend. She had his daughter who was a worker at Ape Management when Caesar takes over. Later a descendant is the queen of the last human city. Finally the last descendant is Nova who speaks just before she is killed.

WHO IS THIS MAN? WHAT SORT OF DEVIL IS HE? by Robert Greenberger

General Urko from the TV series is recovering from his injuries with his family. He tells them of a time year before when he killed other human astronauts that arrived.

STONE MONKEY by Greg Keys

In Asia a siamang is hunted by a gorilla warlord. The warlord wants to live forever and forces the siamang to lead him to the immortal stone monkey. Instead he lead him to a refuge for oppressed monkeys that kill him. It is revealed that the siamang is the immortal monkey from human experiments long ago.

MILO’S TALE by Ty Templeton

Milo is from an advanced chimpanzee society far to the south. He comes with an expedition to investigate the crash of an old human ship. While rebuilding it he meets Zira and Cornelius. While in the ship an army of gorillas arrives and forces them to launch. They witness the destruction of Earth.

MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE by Dayton Ward

Galen, Virdon and Burke from the TV series come on the ruins of an old missile silo. Inside they find a message from a group of humans located at Area 51. They invite the fugitive and they manage to flee before General Urko arrives.

THE KING IS DEAD-LONG LIVE THE KING by Rich Handley

Caesar twenty years later is ruling a prosperous settlement. He decides he wants to make peace with the mutants and sends his son. The mutant ruler Mendez comes but Caesar’s son then kills his mother while the wife of Mendez kills her husband. The mutants leave and it is revealed that a mutant with mind control staged the killing because he was opposed to the peace.

BANANA REPUBLIC by Jonathan Maberry

A temple being built on the fringes of ape civilization uncovers a secret. The New Orleans Naval Reserve armory. Inside are stacks of assault rifles and grenades. An orangutan and gorilla decide to use the weapons against the growing power of the heretical chimpanzees.

An anthology of short stories from the original Planet of the Apes universe. Not only all the movies but the TV series and Saturday morning cartoon. What a great idea. Every story was excellent and there wasn’t a dud in the whole book which is rare for a seventeen story anthology. Obviously the level of writers and their passion for the subject helped. Hopefully there will be many more of such anthologies. A true must read for any Planet of the Apes fan.

CHRISTMAS SLAUGHTER BY MARK GRANT

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Copyright 1991.

The Christmas holiday is approaching and the mutants are getting ready to celebrate. Seems they have adopted the holiday are their own and celebrate with presents and carols such as “We Wish You A Mutie Christmas.” Things are looking bad for humans. Emperor Charlemagne has a plan for the final solution. Dr. Narfod Moonguley a graduate of MIT(Mutant Institute of Technology) and Time’s Mutant of the Year is heading a diabolical plan. Forming Planned Genocide Inc. humans deemed surplus are being shipped to the P.G. Pyramid in New San Francisco. There they are ground up and the needed DNA is extracted and stored for future use.

So the human rebels hear and send their best which is Max Turkel and his companions Jack Bender and Phil Potts. They go into New San Francisco to find the local resistance The Cleavers. Named after the sixties radical Eldridge Cleaver the group has a suicidal fanaticism in fighting the mutants. Lead by Hosannah Brown the African Queen they conduct raids that slaughter mutants all over the city. Max and friends also get a new ally in SU912. SU stands for seduction unit. A terminator unit that was created to specifically assassinate Max. Unfortunately the mutants gave it too much initiative and the unit is disgusted with the mutants and goes over to the resistance. Called Sue she is a beautiful redhead who is nearly indestructible and very deadly. The rebels attack the mutants operations in a final action packed assault.

So what is more festive than a killer mutant in a Santa Claus outfit. The final book in the series came out in December and the writer decided to have it occur during Christmas. Now David Bischoff wrote the first four. This was written by a Bruce King. I admit I didn’t notice a change in the writing style. He kept up the same elements. A goofy plot, funny names and plenty of action and gratuitous sex. San Francisco in the mutant future apparently attracts the counter-culture types as it did when the world was human. There are hippy mutants. Gay mutants. Hare Krishna Mutants. Of course all are gleefully gunned down by the human rebels. They get great pleasure in shooting down mutants as they go about the holiday shopping or Christmas caroling.

One part of Charlemagne’s plan is he is disgusted by human reproduction and wants them to not enjoy it. Dr. Moonguley seems to have had some success as our heroes find out when they are captured and taken for breeding.

“I don’t collect the sperm samples, sweetie.” she said as she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. “I just get you primed for the collector.”
The door opened then, and through it rolled another of the insectoid robotic assistants. Turkel took a dislike to it on the spot. The machine rolled silently over to him, and from the assortment of apparatus with which it was covered, something that looked like a metallic mouth glided forward unerringly and enveloped his stalwart tool.
“Excuse me, but I’m picky about where I put my prong, okay?” Max declared. “Agh!” The orifice had just clamped tightly around the poker. “Well, the appetizer was terrific, but I don’t think I’m going to enjoy the main course,” he said to the girl who still stood by the door.
“That’s a real safe bet, baby. Believe me,” she said.
Then the robot turned on the vacuum and the voltage, and Maximillian Turkel’s sexual horizons were once again expanded as he bellowed what he thought of Charlemagne.

Interesting that this book dropped the Mutants Amok. I don’t know if this was some new marketing ploy. I think the publisher knew that this series time was limited. This book is hard to find because of a small print run. I was lucky to find it going for $10. Used ones are going for $35 and new over $400. So if you find one at a garage sale or bookstore you should grab it. Might make a good profit.

Now I think the writers had fun writing this series. I know I had fun reading it. Probably the publisher came up with the idea and David Bischoff seeing how goofy it was just let himself go. A fun way to end the year. So next year I’ll be back with something more down to Earth. Until then have yourself a Mutie Christmas and Happy New Year.

MUTANTS AMOK #4 HOLOCAUST HORROR BY MARK GRANT

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Copyright 1991.

Emperor Charlemagne is up to no good. He has recruited a turncoat human Edward Wilkins. Wilkin’s grandfather was a nuclear scientist and hid some nuclear weapons at a secret location in Arizona. Now Charlemagne is close to possessing nuclear weapons which he plans to use in conquering the world. Braingeneral Hartan is appalled at the thought of nuclear weapons that could start a new arms race and mutants being mutants would most likely destroy the world. So he notifies his reluctant ally Max Turkel.

Turkel is hanging out in the deserts of Southern California with his buddies Jack Bender, Phil Potts and Jill Morningstar. The human resistance has already found out Charlemagne’s plan. Now they have to battle the Braingeneral Fixx who is in charge of security. He has a new mutant weapon the Rotants, a hybrid of humans and rats. He also has advanced cyborgs. It all ends in a spectacular nuclear exploding final.

Well this book has a lot going on. First Jack Bender loses his girlfriend Jill in a raid. He is despondent although coming to the realization that she was batshit cuckoo. Unfortunately he is such a stud he isn’t allowed to get some time of morning without some girl crawling into his bed. A girlfriend of Phil’s develops the hots for him and he wakes up and finds her in bed with him. He also sleeps in the nude and wonders if maybe he should stop doing it. He does manage to convince her to sleep with Phil so he can finally get some rest. Apparently he has been having sex almost constantly since he was fifteen and likes the time off. This guy has had a hard life.

Max finds himself a girl in Captain Marty Abrahams of the 47th Guerrilla Division of the General Resistance Movement. Here is a quote that describes her leadership style.

When she caught her men looking at her, the usual dialogue went something like this.
“Soldier, you looking at my boobs or my butt?”
“Uh…Well…”
“You wanna fuck me, mister?”
“No sir!”
“Why not?”
“I-uh-I…”
“If I catch you looking at me like that again, soldier, I want you ready to get down and dirty. But I gotta warn you, asshole. You don’t get it up, you don’t keep it up, you come too soon… or in any way, shape or form you ain’t man enough to satisfy me.. I’m gonna cut your balls, eat’em for breakfast, and do a review of the meal for Stars and Stripes!
Then she’d start unbuckling her belt and the man would invariably not only back off, but never even think of her in a lewd way again.
Which was okay with Captain Marty Abrahams.
She’d rather kill mutants than fuck any day.

Sounds like a real high maintenance girl to me. Still her and Turkel hit is off.

“Oh Jeez. Oh, you bastard.”
“MMMMMMph!” said Turkel.
“Okay, okay. Fuck me!”
“HmmmmmmmMMMMMMPH!”
“Oh..Jesus…Okay. GOD! Fuck me Turkel..Please!”
Turkel stood up and dropped his pants. Old Faithful was saluting the officer before it, eager to storm the gates. He spread her legs and she groaned with gratification as he slid his swollen self into her hot and glistening center. Soon enough Turkel didn’t care who might be watching. All he knew was that if someone was, he should charge for this incredible performance.

Well some other interesting tidbits. The renegade scientist is assigned an Igor. A mutant designed to be a lab assistant. They are called Igor because of a second brain stored in a hump on the back. Dr. Wilkin’s abuse of his Igor named Trevor results in Trevor turning on him at the end. And also forgot but last book we learn that the country they are in is called The United States of Canada. The rebels are also well equipped. They have tanks and hinted they have B-52s.

So there is one final book in the series. Appropriately enough it came out in December and was a Christmas themed book. So it is only appropriate that I will have the review on Christmas day. Its festive title and cover demand a posting on that day.

MUTANTS AMOK #3 REBEL ATTACK BY MARK GRANT

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Copyright 1991.

Max Turkel has escaped his captivity and has news that Jack Bender’s girl Jennifer is still alive. She has been taken to Hollywood to appear in a mutant snuff film. So the next thing for the group is to head on to L.A. They first hijack an armored RV and after killing a few Mutant Highway Patrolmen are off to Hollywood. Along the way Max finds out he can’t drink alcohol anymore. This is because Braingeneral Hartan has replaced his liver with a mechanical one. It also can pop out of his abdomen and talk. Seems Hartan wants to make sure that Turkel honors his agreement. He supports going to L.A. and wants the group to assassinate one Martin Luther ‘Hairy’ Kahn. Kahn is the big shot producer in Hollywood. He is described as a villain, a thief, a murderer, a child molester, a pervert and worst of all a thundering bore. Sounds like Hollywood hasn’t changed after the mutant apocalypse.

Meanwhile Jennifer is cast in Kahn’s next big production Blade Babes from Babylon. Directed by Foxtrot Bennington-Spleen. Jennifer’s only friend is Algernon Waugh an English mutant who is the casting director. She falls in love with the mutant. Unfortunately she doesn’t know that she is to be killed so her DNA can be combined with Marilyn Monroe so the that industry can crank out an endless supply of beautiful blond actresses to use.

So Max, Jack Bender, Phil Potts and Jill Morningstar arrive in L.A. They find it a polluted city with twenty-four hour gridlock and overrun by gangs that have the DNA of Chicano and Black gangs from the Twentieth Century. Once again sounds like nothing has changed after the mutant apocalypse. They go to Max’s halfsie contact who is a clone of Elvis Presley. An Elvis fanatic created a whole bunch and later was hunted down by his creations and stabbed with a sharpened guitar neck. They fight their way to the studio and in a spectacular showdown defeat Kahn. Jennifer decides she loves Algernon Waugh and will accompany him to New York where he got a job as an editor for a book publisher.

Just when you think it couldn’t get more outrageous or crazy the author outdoes himself. So where to begin. The talking liver that Max has. The wild party thrown by Kahn. He literally makes a writer eat shit. Spread it on a cracker like pate and eat it. I guess writers still get no respect in Hollywood. The goofy film they are producing. In a move that Corman would love they don’t need special effects. They have the extra mutants literally kill each other for the fight scenes. The ending has a tribute to Mel Brook’s The Producers. Apparently mutants love Mel Brooks. Here is the scene from it.

EVA: You look so dashing today, mein Fuhrer!
HITLER: It is the light of love in my heart, fair Valyrie!
EVA: My heaving loins yearn for the pounding of your mighty member and your single but quite manly testicle.
HITLER: Ja, but first we must conquer Poland.
EVA: Liebchen! But of course. But allow me first to kiss your brave and valiant sword of the Fatherland.
HITLER: Of course. Just don’t slobber too much.

Well this sounds like a quality production. So we have Max who by his own words only knows the three Fs- Freedom, Fighting and Fucking. I can say that the guy does have trouble with any abstract concept that doesn’t involve the three Fs. Then there is Jack Bender who is balancing his current jealous girlfriend while going to save his former girlfriend he though was dead. Now Jill Morningstar is just batshit cuckoo. I guess guys will overlook that when the woman is beautiful and great in bed but batshit cuckoo. Come to think of it his old girlfriend leaves him for a mutant so she was a bit batshit cuckoo too. So far every woman seems to be batshit cuckoo. Crazy world after the mutant apocalypse.

MUTANTS AMOK #2 MUTANT HELL BY MARK GRANT

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Copyright 1991.

Max Turkel the famous human resistance leader is now the prisoner of Emperor Charlemagne in Cheyenne Mountain. The emperor plans to torture information out of Max with the mutant mind probe. While having an audience with the emperor Max defiantly manages to piss in the face of the emperor and short circuit his cybernetics. Luckily for him his new recruits Jack Bender and Phil Potts are winging their way to rescue him in an old Cessna.

First Jack and Phil land at a farm in Kansas for fuel and find a normal looking family with a beautiful daughter. These are actually mutant halfsies the mutants that were privately created by private individuals and not the military or administrative classes. These halfsies make up the majority of the mutant population and are barely tolerated by the true mutant overlords. At first this family seems helpful but they are in fact a mutant succubus type of mutants. The beautiful daughter first tries to seduce Jack Bender but since his fiance died yesterday he feels it wouldn’t be right. This sensitive side saves him since she then goes to the virginal Phil Potts who is more than willing . He soon finds out the mutant has a sort of viagra in her saliva and literally almost screws him to death as she attempts to drain him of sperm. Human DNA fetches a prime price on the mutant black market.

Well Jack comes to the rescue and kills the succubus mutant and her family. The two take off and then land at an Indian reservation in Colorado. Its run by chief Joe Bullfeathers and his sixties rock playing band. There is also a beautiful woman named Jill Morningstar. Now she at night goes to seduce Jack Bender and since its two days after the death of his fiance he figures that’s enough of mourning. And these people are real humans. So after fighting off a mutie biker gang they find Max Turkel passed out not too far from them. It seems a renegade Braingeneral Harlan arranged his escape. He wants to overthrow Charlemagne and establish peace with the humans. Max escapes after a fight were he kills Braingeneral Torx and cuts off his hands. He reveals at the end that Jack’s girl Jennifer is still alive.

The second book in the series is more goofy than the first. The scene where Max is interrogated by Charlemagne and the emperor spits a big load of snot in Turkel’s face. Not the be outdone Max has to go real bad and unloads right in the emperor’s face. Its just so juvenile that I love it. Then later under the mind probe it is revealed that Turkel has money hidden away that wasn’t reported to the IRS. In this dystopia even the IRS can overrule the mad mutant emperor. This is how Braingeneral Harlan gets Max out.

Now Jack Bender has a real hard life. He can’t go to bed without some beautiful woman trying to climb in and have sex with him. His super-sensitivity saves him from the succubus but obviously two days is an unrealistic wait for this super stud. Some interesting things we find out that there is a Royal Mutant Mounted police that is designed to look like southern sheriffs. They have mirrored sunglasses and big guts to store their .357 magnum and favorite beer Spudweiser.

So I will end with the scene where the succubus almost kills poor Phil Potts.

Penny stroked him admiringly. “You see. Now please Phil. Use it.”
He did. And this time he lasted a great deal longer, and when he came it felt as though he was spurting about half his bodily fluids into her. All in all, he was very pleased with himself. He’d read at this point you were supposed to light a cigarette. But since he had no cigarette, he just lay back on his pillow and grinned.
But the strange sensations still thrummed in his body.
And he was astonished to find that he still had an erection.
“Again!, said Penelope. “Oh yes, please! Again!”
By now, Phil Potts could barely think straight, and it was an easy thing to acquiesce, strange as it was. And so they did it again.
And Again.
And Again.
And before Phil knew it, he was totally consumed in endless sex.

I suppose there are worse ways to go in life.