Copyright 1985.

So Ted Rockson and his companion Archer bail out of their stolen MIG fighter before it runs out of gas. They land in Lake Superior and have to fight off a giant sea creature. Home again and now they have a long hike to get back to Century City. The first obstacle is getting captured by a tribe of French-Canadian amazons. Beautiful women in furkinis that have a telepathic link to panthers. The two guys find out that these women capture men to breed with. They are given a viagra type substance and then forced to have sex with all these beautiful women. Rock knows that eventually their strength will give out and they will be fed to the panthers. Luckily the telepathic bond the tribe has with the panthers comes from the temple virgins. So all they have to do is devirginize the maidens which is no problem at all for our heroes. When they lose control of the panthers the two make their escape.

So later they come on a kooky little area of Iowa where everybody dresses like the Village People and react violently to any suggestion that contradicts the story of tornadoes destroying the world back in 1989. Rock just goes with the flow and wins a souped up ’83 Buick Roadmaster in a card game. Complete with front and rear machine gun controlled by a joystick. Yep definitely ’80’s tech. This comes in handy when they have to fight off a horde of car riding cannibals.

So they eventually make it back in time to find out that Rockson’s Moscow adventure has really stirred up a hornet’s nest. Premier Vassily is really angry at the loss of the advanced ICBM center and to regain face has sent over 250,000 Nazi troops to find and destroy Century City. Well I can see….What!!!!!!?????? Soviet Nazis??? That is really weird. Rock being the most awesome human to ever live is unfazed by the news. He organizes the defense of the city even thought they are outnumbered 5 to 1. Rock himself is equal to four Nazi so hey its probably even. The battle is joined at Forrester Valley. The Freefighters gain the element of surprise and cause great damage. But numbers threaten to overwhelm the brave Freefighters. Luckily the Glowers come to the rescue. Riding their sandships they use their telepathic abilities to bring out the Nazi soldiers greatest fear and this starts them killing each other. Killov is observing the battle and sends a strike of bombers to neutron bomb the whole area. Luckily the caravan bringing back the Technicians with all their black beam guns has arrived. They shoot down the bombers except one which successfully drops its bomb. Thus the Technicians and their advanced black beam weapons are destroyed. At the end Rock and Rona are knocked out by an exploding artillery shell from the fleeing Nazis.

Well this book had a lot going on. So the Soviets have revived the Nazi party in Germany so they could have a new army to use. I guess the ideology was slightly altered so the Soviets and Nazi are friends. That the evil Capitalist American’s caused a brief rift between the two during WWII. It was overcome during Stalingrad where the Soviets helped out the Germans. Otherwise all the racial Aryan purity and stuff is intact. Now I get it that Nazi are really good villains. Ignoring the history between Russia and Germany it is a little odd that the Russians would on purpose revive the Nazis party. What does that say about Germans if only Nazism can motivate them. This really breaks the goofy meter. On the plus side it looks like my native Wisconsin after the apocalypse will be filled with beautiful women who will kidnap you to have sex and feed you steak. Something positive to look forward to after a nuclear war.

So the other thing is Rockson’s sex live. Obviously he was having a ball in this book. When he finds out the purpose for his capture he attitude is OK. He did once again have a very brief flash of guilt over cheating on his one true love Kim. But he wisely rationalized it that he was a prisoner and a man has got to do what man has got to do. This guy is wise beyond belief. So when he gets back he also continues his affair with Rona. If Kim is his love than Rona is his faithful heart. What does that mean? Well it means that he will “release his load, shooting into her like a cannon firing white-hot lava.” Now there is an image you can’t get out of your mind. This was definitely one of the more fun books in the series.




So it is that time of year and another Rifftrax Live is there to introduce summer. This one is the old classic Space Mutiny from the SyFy era of MST3k. First it warms up the audience with a short. This short is actually based on a story by H.G. Wells. Not your typical educational short or industrial promotion they usually do. Still the Magic Room was definitely an excellent choice. You wonder what old H.G. was smoking when he wrote this odd story. It is a man taking his son to a store called the Magic Room. In it is a strange guy who can what else perform magic. The dumpy kid is amused to no end by the magic antics as the father has a perpetual look of bored annoyance. So the proprietor takes them into the back room where all the good stuff is stored. He gives him a box with moving toy soldiers and teaches the brat how to use a magic wand. Which the kid causes all things to burst into flames. Then he performs a disappearing act which sees the little pork chop disappear. This causes the father to go nuts and while tearing up the place he is transported outside. He meet his son who is loaded down with packages. The shop is now a pizza place.

Our hero the beef cake Reb Brown.

So the movie starts after it’s hightech credits that must have been done on an old Commodore 64. We find ourselves in an episode of the old original Battlestar Galactica. But this is the Southern Sun a ship on its way to colonize some distant planet. It has been traveling for 13 generations and some are a little impatient. The chief enforcer Kalgan wants off the ship. His plan is for his fellow mutineers to take over the ship and sell the people into slavery to space pirates. So during a pirate attack by Cylon ships he blows up the launch elevator to trap everyone inside. But not before some women known as Valerians manage to land. Also the hero Ryder the beefy guy in a silver tanktop manages to beam onboard but losses his passenger some important professor.

We need more Kalgan.

Well the ship is run by a guy who looks like Santa Clause and wears a silver muumuu. He has a daughter who is way too old to go prancing around in such a short skirt. Well the beefcake and daughter manage to lead the crew to victory over the evil Kalgan. Along the way there are two golf cart chases. Valarians with Spencer gift globes that have some mystical power which isn’t really explained or for that matter what the hell their purpose was to the plot. Endless battles with masked snowmobilers before the evil Kalgan is dispatched in a fiery golf cart crash. Or his he?

Captain Santa Claus.

This movie had to have been my favorite MST3K episode so I was glad they decided to do this movie. I remember actually renting this way back when. Got it from the local Sentry and it was a fun time waster for a lazy Sunday afternoon.

skanky heroine in a eighties in space moment.

Filmed in 1988 South Africa during the Apartheid regime. Something that was frowned on but still many glorious bad movies were filmed by someone looking to make a cheap buck. The movie budget seems to have been spent on stock footage from Battlestar Galactica. John Phillip Law who played Kalgan is always going around like he wants to pop his skull out of his skin. I never seen such scene chewing in my entire life.

Hero having a screaming fit.

And the endless chases with the fearsome Enforcer golf carts in what looks like some kind of power or water treatment plant in space. This is a classic gem in the history of bad science fiction movies.

Dangerous golf carts in space.

Henchman who looks like Ed Grimley.

Crippled henchman who gets burned alive.

Coming up next the classic Krull in August.



Copyright 1985.

Ted Rockson is on his way back home with the President, his daughter Kim and Mountainman Ed. First the run into a freak tidal wave of radioactive goo that was spewed out of the Earth. Taking shelter on a plateau they have to fight a huge lizard. Unfortunately Mt. Ed gets his head bitten off before Rockson can kill the creature. So the three survivors make it back to the site of the convention. Here Rock finds his team looking for them. The happy reunion is short lived as a patrol of Soviet helicopters finds them. Rock with Archer manages to lead them away and take out about half the force. The other half manage to capture the two.

At first Rock is tortured but the message comes from The Grandfather premier Vassily that Rock and his companion are to be sent to Moscow. So on the next plane the two find themselves in the capital of the worldwide Red empire. A place run down and decadent. Slaves are always being crucified and there are daily gladiator contests. Vassily wants to negotiate a peace with the rebels. His empire is collapsing and he hopes to divert forces to other spots. Rock is plied with beautiful women and food as he pretends to negotiate. At the first opportunity him and Archer escape and make their way into the subways and the dissidents. The dissidents call themselves the jazzmen and talk like beatniks. Lead by Yuri Goodman they are armed with sonic musical instruments that can kill.

Rock and Archer are later captured and sentenced to the gladiatorial arena. He is given the duo-blade the strange knife on the cover and has to fight the Black Menace. A genetically created gladiator from Africa with three arms. Rock wins and leads a revolt that kills all the decadent bureaucrats in the audience. His rebel gladiators hook up with the jazzmen and they attack the advanced satellite complex that controls the Soviets ICBMs and particle beam satellites. They destroy it and Rock after stealing a tank then steals a MIG fighter and with Archer flies back to America.

So in this one Rock is captured and taken to Moscow. Here he meets the premier and has some wacky adventures. This guy is really talented. He can drive tanks and fly fighter craft with is an amazing skill considering he is guerrilla fighter without access to any of this equipment. The Soviets are like the Roman empire. They crucify slaves and put them up along an avenue. They have elaborate gladiator games and some far out dissidents. The authors must have been beatniks because this is the second time a group of beatnik type survivors are encountered. A strange type to be about 100 years after the apocalypse.

And we can’t forget the kooky sex in this book. Rock and Archer get some beautiful women presented to them while captive. Archer being a bit shy and inexperienced because he is a big hairy mute mountainman who doesn’t get around much before meeting Rockson. Rock has a why not attitude. There is a brief, very brief moment where he thinks of his one true love Kim and feels guilty. But he has had a stressful time with being tortured and beat up. He really needs this relaxation and is sure Kim would understand. And if not well she won’t know about it. This guy is really wise and does have a point.



Copyright 1984.

Ted Rockson is out on a salvage mission. When they decide to check out a cave they find it filled with mutant Blood Spiders. Luckily Rock and his friend Detroit manage to kill them but not before one bits Rock. Taken back in time to Century City he is saved using his mutant mental powers with modern surgery. Good for him since the ReConstitutional Convention is coming up. Delegates from the free cities will go and form a new government and elect a President. Naturally Rock is one of the four with Chen and two civilians. As they travel to Wyoming one gets killed by an earthquake and they are almost eaten by mutant millipedes. Fortunately the rest of the Rock Squad followed and saves them.

So after a brief run in with a tribe of amazon women called the Barbarahs. Rock escapes with a captured member. The tribe apparently captures men and rape them for their ability to procreate. Then when they are drained of sperm they are beheaded, the bodies fed to the sacred flame and the heads mounted on sticks around their church. The captive woman wants Rock to impregnate her and he figures what the hell. He doesn’t want this unique culture to go extinct. So they make it to the convention. Rock gets to hook up with Kim the daughter of the leading candidate for President. The ReConstitutional Convention elects Charles Langford. Unfortunately the convention was infiltrated by a KGB agent posing as the mountain man Charlie Whiskers. Rock and the others flee before the KGB drops a neutron bomb on the location.

Rock survives thanks to being rescued and nursed back to health by Mountain Man Ed. Mt. Ed for short. He helps Rock look for his friends and finds out that the Glowers a mysterious race of mutants on their flying ships took Kim and President Langford. So off the two go. They have to fight only 50 Russian paratroopers which they defeat with ease until they find the Glowers. The Glowers are descendants of American astronauts who were on a space station during the war. The radiation combined with waves in space created the unique mutations. The Glowers have an empathic link to all life. They manage to save Langford and with the help of Rock’s mutant abilities he saves Kim. The four leave with a promise that the Glowers will help in their time of great need.

Well another entry in the saga of the Doomsday Warrior. Here we get the formation of a new government of the ReUnited States of America. Things are looking good but those damn Russkies are still at it. Killov is sinking into further insanity. A failed assassination attempt by President Zhabanov with the support of Premier Vassily has the guy further paranoid. He also now plays with dolls of his hated enemies: Rockson, Vassily, his servant Rahallah and Zhabanov. Plus we also get an introduction to the Glowers who we have only heard rumors about in the previous books.

Rockson is apparently madly in love with Kim Langford and she with him. But he still bangs his old girlfriend Rona back in Century City. A also has sex with the amazon tribeswoman. He feels a little guilty about it but rationalizes it that he is helping a unique culture from going extinct. A culture that captures men, rapes them and kills them. Yup that sound worth saving. I love this guys rationalizations. So I will leave with a passage from that encounter to illustrate the eloquence of this writing.

She rubbed up against him like a cat, moaning and writhing against his hard flesh. She pulled him down to the cool Earth, atop a thick cushion of green moss, and reached for his manhood, guiding it between her open legs. She let out a loud hiss as it entered, biting his shoulder through the skin, and wrapping her long,firm legs around his back. She ground up and down on his staff of living flesh, moving harder and harder until almost out of control-wriggling and slamming against him. Her long nails dug into Rock’s back and ripped razorlike cuts that just penetrated the skin down to his waist. Rock didn’t know if he was fucking or fighting-but he went with it-with this wild creature of the night. She grew more and more frantic and then came to her peak. Her eyes flared like a burst of golden fire and she opened wide for him so he could go into her very core-penetrate her deepest tunnel. The she came with an ear-shattering scream, her body arching and contracting in powerful spasms. Rock felt his own desire reach its culmination and let out an explosion of molten fire that rocketed up into her center. She screamed again and swooned as the staff plunged to its fullest depth. Then her head fell to the side and she was totally silent.

The things you have to do to preserve a people’s culture.



Copyright 1984.

Ted Rockson and his Rock Squad are assigned an important mission. They are to test out the new particle beam weapons they got from the Technicians. So they ambush a Soviet supply convoy. The weapons work better than excepted. The squad completely destroys the convoy. Over ten tanks, two helicopters and dozens of supply trucks. They also capture a few prisoners. They take them back and under the captured Mindbreakers they learn the destination of the supply convoy. Pavlov City is a new fortress build by President Zhabanov for his Plan Lincoln. There American slave workers are taken by the tens of thousands to be converted into zombie soldiers by the Mindbreaker. Rock decides to go alone and infiltrate Pavlov City to put a stop to it.

Colonel Killov has also decided to check out what is going on. With his elite KGB Blackshirts he manages to take over the fortress. He is in a power struggle with President Zhabanov for the premiership. The Grandfather Vassily is on his deathbed. Helped along by Killov’s doctors who are injecting him with cancer. Luckily the premier’s servant the African Rahallah who knows his tribal witchcraft saves him and the doctors conspiracy is broken.

Meanwhile Rockson manages to infiltrate Pavlov City but is captured. Stripped naked and tied up for torture by the sadistic Killov. They also imprison him with a beautiful nineteen year old named Kim Langston. She is the daughter of the man who is trying to unite America under a new government. She is to be raped by the KGB and being a virgin she doesn’t want that to be her first time. Naturally she wants Rockson to he her first which Rock is only more than up to the task both figuratively as well as literally. So while chained up he manages to deflower her and fall madly in love with her.

Rock manages to later escape and rescue Kim. He frees the enslaved American’s and a big battle begins. Just as it looks like the Russians will win, the Rock Squad comes to the rescue. Flying the captured helicopter from the last book and armed with the particle beam weapons they make short work of the Soviets. They then escape Pavlov City before Killov drops two neutron bombs on the place. As they make their way home they meet up with The Crazy Alligators a beatnik talking tribe of Indians who ride motorcycles. They are taken to their underground city to meet the Ginsberg a pompous pretentious dipship who sprouts beatnik wisdom. Unfortunately Perkins the archaeologist runs afoul of their taboos. One of the women in their temple known as contrarians asks for him to make love to her. He is more than willing to oblige and gets castrated for this transgression. Contrarians say the exact opposite of what they mean. Rock and his friends are sentenced to suffer the same fate but Rock manages to beat Crazy Motherfucker a nine foot tall giant in a trial by combat. At the end they ride off to Century City with Kim going a separate way to go help her father.

Well the second book in the series establishes the tone of this series. Mainly one filled with plenty of sex, action, mutant creatures and goofy people who inhabit the post-nuke world of 2089. Killov is now established as the psychotic pill popping crazy out to rule the world. Zhabanov is the debauched rival and his uncle the wise old man with his African servant the only one he can trust. They continue to use the new particle beam weapons but as the series progresses the authors tended to just quietly drop them. They were a bit too powerful and gave an unequal advantage to the protagonists. Rock would just have to rely on his awesomeness going forward which to be honest is more than enough.

This is also the start of the drama of the Rona-Kim rivalry. Rock apparently falls madly in love with Kim and vise versa. But that still doesn’t stop him from banging his old girlfriend Rona any chance he gets. Nor for that matter many other women he meets along the way. So love with a Doomsday Warrior doesn’t mean not having sex with other women because you just can’t expect to contain such a superstud. Yup this was definitely one of by favorite series growing up.



Copyright 1984.

The year is 2089 and it is one hundred years since the Soviets launched a surprise nuclear attack. Thanks to their space based particle beam satellite they were able to decimate America. They quickly moved in hundreds of thousands of troops and now except for China they rule the People’s World Socialist Republics. America is now a brutalized colony of Russia called the United Soviet States of America. From over forty complexes they control the country. But outside in the wilds have sprung 75 free hidden cities. The largest is Century City the descendants of a five mile long tunnel filled with commuters when the war started. Trapped inside they eventually build a modern underground city. This is home to the legendary Ted Rockson “The Ultimate American.” With his Liberator assault rifle and .12 gauge shotgun pistols he leads the resistance against the Soviet invaders.

The Russians are lead by President Zhabanov of the USSA. Located in the White House in Washington which was neutron bombed and re-named New Lenin. He got the job because he is the nephew of the Soviet premier. A fat hard drinking man who spends his nights with drugged girls that are rounded up for him by the KGB. He has ambitions of being the new premier. His main rival is Colonel Killov the head of the KGB in America. From his eighty story citadel in Denver he oversees 500,000 dreaded Blackshirts. A gaunt skull faced psychopath. Soon the Soviet premier Vassily who is old and on his deathbed will die. A power struggle is forming between these two men.

Rockson with his friends who are the Rock Squad continue to fight the invaders. They ambush convoys. They also have to deal with the dangers of post-nuclear wilds filled with mutant creatures and savage cannibals. Rock has to lead an assault on Stalinville after some of the men are captured. He has to rescue them before the KGB use their new mindbreaker to get the secrets of the location of Century City. Well one day an expedition to the unexplored west returns with a story. A mutant was found with an amazing black beam pistol. This weapon could give the resistance an advantage. So his team heads into the blasted lands of Nevada to the Technicians the survivors of the missile crews to retrieve this knowledge.

I don’t think there is a more iconic book series than the Doomsday Warrior. This post nuclear series of an occupied America was the creation of Ryder Syvertson and Jan Stacy. It is the perfect example of the paranoid of the time. I loved this series with its hand bursting through the ground into a mushroom cloud clutching an object usually a weapon. Yes the writing is bad but its that so bad its good type of writing. This first book seemed to be an attempt to write a serious book or as serious as this series would get. Believe me they give that up in the second book. A foreword that would appear in the first five books gives a good brief background to this world and its players. Basically the Soviets thanks to their star wars weapons manage to successfully attack America and conquer the world. Ted Rockson is the hero to the downtrodden American slave workers. Rockson is there to throw out the Soviet invaders and hunt down the ten men KGB squad that rapped and killed his mother and sisters. He manages to find one in this book but that plot point was kind of dropped as the series continued. Indeed it gets very goofy as we will see in subsequent reviews.

The book establishes what the tone will be. Namely that the Soviets are depraved cartoon type characters. They brutally suppress the Americans in their fortress cities and use neutron bombs on the free cities that they find. The country is filled with dangerous mutants and strange people. We meet the Floorwalker Macy people who live in an old shopping mall. They wait for Mr. Macy to come and take them to the main store in New York. I just loved these books when I was a teen. So here are the members of Rock Squad.

Detroit Green the token black guy. I suppose that Boise or Omaha was not ebonic enough.

Al Chen the token Chinese-America. Can you guess what his specialty was? Yes it was martial arts expert and instructor. He uses nunchucks and exploding star knives.

McCaughlin the token Scotsman. A big guy who is an expert at heavy weapons.

Archer the token big mute hairy mountain man. A man Rock rescues from a quicksand pit. He uses a crossbow that can rapid fire and also shoot special exploding arrows.

Erickson the token Swede. The teams cook. A man who can do miracles with cactus or rat’s feet. Yum.

Perkins the token archaeologist. Comes in handy in dealing with the strange people they come across.

Lang the token young nineteen year old who is tough, brash and a troublemaker. Reminds Rock of himself at that age and is his mentor.

All of them are lead by Ted Rockson “The Ultimate American.” His name just exudes virile masculinity and he is definitely a superstud. Any young good looking woman who comes within a square mile of him will want to sleep with him. In this book he is just with his girlfriend Rona which seemed to be a monogamous relationship. That was quickly dropped since I suppose the publisher recognized the core target audience. Young men and teen boys. Rock becomes quite a player as the series progresses.

An interesting eerie coincidence is the date they chose for the sneak attack. September 11, 1989. Out of all the dates they would choose that one. Very eerie.



Copyright 1987.

One night the Soviet general in Cuba gets a message. Soon after he retrieves plans from the vault codenamed Operation Volga. He and his division of Soviet and Cuban troops will invade Miami and the Florida Keys. Supposedly to use as a bargaining chip as the Soviets close off Berlin. In reality the General has gone insane after hearing of the death of his only son a Spetznas in Afghanistan. He now believes he is fighting WWII. A KGB major is encouraging this to start a war with America. In one swift swoop the Soviet-Cuban forces seize Miami.

It just so happens that the President is secretly visiting his girlfriend in her mansion in the Florida Keys and now finds himself trapped. So he impersonates a servant to hide from the Cuban troops. Meanwhile others are rising to the resistance. The Mafia was having its big meeting in Miami and decides to hit the invaders. So do the FBI who were going to raid the meeting. There is a much bigger concern. The Soviets and Vice President agree to send their best agents KGB Maritza Jurgenova and ex-CIA now successful writer Jonathan Forbes. The two have until six in the morning to convince the general his son is actually alive and start withdrawing his forces. Otherwise the Soviets will launch a nuclear strike. So the two agents must battle their way through occupied Miami and fight off Soviet-Cuban troops, rioters and anti-Castro Cubans to stop WWIII.

Ah the good old eighties. I always loved these old books where the commies invaded. This was a real fun one with the evil commies coming in and Americans rallying to fight back. So you have the FBI and mob join forces. An added twist is the President now trapped while visiting his girlfriend and the VP having to make up a story that the President is trapped in a blizzard in his ranch in Montana. Of course two agents who had some history have to unite and with copies of VHS and Beta tapes of the general’s son must somehow get to the general and convince him to withdraw or there will be a nuclear war.

OK it is a bit goofy and unrealistic. I mean the general going nuts and just so happens the KGB liaison is a die hard Stalinist determined to start a war. The Americans seemed to have a cavalier attitude about the invasion. They have troops stationed across the border in Georgia. If they move into northern Florida or Georgia they might have to push back but hey if they stay in Miami no big deal. I guess they don’t really care about Miami. This is just a pure eighties experience with VHS and Betas tapes, evil commies and patriotic Americans fighting back. Of course he succeeds with just seconds to spare. Where else would you learn that the mob has one day a week called Spaghetti day where they cook the old country recipe while wearing their pistols in a shoulder holster. This was also a book I got just before I graduated high school so it brings back some good memories. Definitely a fun read.