THE LAST RANGER #7 THE VILE VILLAGE BY CRAIG SARGENT

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Copyright 1988.

Martin Stone and his dog Excalibur are riding in search of April. They get caught in a radioactive thunderstorm that almost kills them. Fortunately they are found by the Undertaker and his many kids. The Undertaker manages to nurse Stone and the dog back to health. Even more helpful is the young eighteen year old daughter Luann. After a while applying all this ointment to Stone’s naked body just drives her crazy and she jumps in bed. So Stone must once again have endless sex with a beautiful young woman instead of proper rest from his injuries.

So after a while he finds out the Undertaker has a thriving business in coffins since the town of Cotopaxi was taken over by two opposing factions. On one side is the biker gang The Head Stompers. The other are the Strather Brothers a bunch of mountain men psychos who worship Al Capone. They are bleeding the locals dry with taxes and Stone comes up with a plan. Posing as The Preacher Boy he kills the second in command of the Head Stompers and ingratiates himself into the Strater Brothers. He comes with a plan to turn the two factions against each other. It doesn’t work and he’s captured and subjected to torture which he manages to escape. It looks grim but the two factions do start fighting and he is saved by an uprising of the local farmers. The Undertaker has plenty of business at the end.

So this is basically Yojimbo or A Fistful of Dollars adapted to the world of Martin Stone. A small town being exploited by two factions. A mysterious stranger comes in and manipulates the two sides into wiping each other out. This was actually a well done book that kept my interest. Some more goofy stuff are the various cat dishes the locals eat. His pit bull defeats a lion. And basically the whole area has stereotypical Mexican peasants or somewhat inbred mountain-men. Not really the people who live out in the country as someone from the East Coast probably believes inhabit the vast center. Still one of the better ones as he was suffering from the AIDS virus. As we will see the series will start to go downhill fast.

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RIFFTRAX LIVE: OCTAMAN

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So its spring and a new year. Which means we get a whole new slew of Rifftrax Live. We start off with this turkey of a movie. First though a warm up with a short from the eighties featuring McGruff the Crime Dog. Yes a guy in a dog costume lectures us on dangerous of poisons. Specifically the various household chemicals with the pirate skull and crossbones on it denoting danger. Well this goes into the dangers of old prescription drugs lying around and then into the evils of illegal narcotics. With an old eighties say no to drugs and users are losers message. Somehow I don’t think these helped much given the current opioid crisis and success in legalizing marijuana.

McGruff lecturing kids.


Then we start with the movie. A film from 1971 shot in Mexico. Some science type guys and one girl are investigating the effects of radioactivity from underwater nuclear tests. This lake next to the ocean is just full of radiation. So much that it creates these weird mutant octopus.

Live calamari. Yum.


It also created an octopus man a.k.a. Octaman with an A instead of an O. Now Octaman doesn’t like these scientists one bit and starts to stalk them.

I have my eye on you. Octaman’s first victim.


The scientists the greasiest gringos you ever saw seem perplexed on what to do. Bullets don’t seem to have any effect but light from flashlights do hurt Octaman.

Waiting for the oxygen to get consumed so it can suffocate Octaman.


They do finally manage to trap it in a ring of fire. Then they manage to capture it in a net but that doesn’t work.

Calamari in a net. Now what?


Oh the Octaman also has a crush on the lady scientist and numerous times tries to carry her off. But the creature moves so slow it is stopped by the others and has to drop her.

Attempt 621 to carry off the girl.


Eventually the scientists decide to leave but find the road blocked by some brush and one fallen tree. Their inept attempts to clear the road fail so they decide to go after Octaman. They have some endless time crawling through a cave. Eventually they manage to pump enough bullets in the creature where it crawls off into the ocean to die? Or not?

Octaman and his two of four working arms.


So this movie was one big turd. My god it was endless scenes of guys in a rowboat. Guys crawling through a cavern. The Octaman coming out of the reeds and flailing its tentacles. Many scenes were shot in the dark and you could hardly see any action. The baby octapuses would meow like kittens. This was one of those painful movies to watch. You need to crack jokes just to keep your sanity which makes it an excellent movie for riffs. So only watch with the professionals riffing and never attempt to watch alone.
Rifftrax trailer

Octaman trailer.

And coming in June Star Raiders.

THE LAST RANGER #6 THE WARLORD’S REVENGE BY CRAIG SARGENT

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Copyright 1988.

Martin Stone and his allies have just defeated the mad general Patton III. Only they had to do it by detonating a nuclear missile that he launched. So deadly fallout has started to fall. They decide to head out of the area. There is one Cheyenne that is a little nuts and thinks its macho to breath in the fallout and burn his hand on the radioactive remains of a tank. So the mixed force of Cheyenne and deserters have to fight off some local warlords. Stone takes some time off to go back to his bunker and consult the supercomputer on treatment for radioactive poisoning.

At the bunker he finds out that his sister April and Dr. Kennedy were there. She left a message telling Stone to meet them at their old vacation cabin. So Stone gathers some medication and goes back to find the crazy Cheyenne fighting his girlfriend for leadership of the tribe. Stone intervenes and saves her life. Then he gives out the medication and has the group go to distribute to people downwind of the blast as he and Excalibur go to find his sister.

They arrive at the cabin and find Dr. Kennedy dying. He tells them a Mafia boss named Scalzanni took his sister. So after burying the deceased Kennedy they head off to Keenesburg. There the Mafia has established themselves and have converted a shopping mall into a weapons and slave mart. Stone disguises himself has a nerdy guy and goes to the local bar called “Get Drunk.” He finds out about Scalzanni but is drugged. Fortunately for him the prostitute who was supposed to dispose of him has a heart of gold. Peaches was rescued by Stone from the Dwarf’s resort so she returned the favor.

So Stone finds his sister on display and goes nuts and tries to break her out. Only its a trap and he is now prisoner of the sadistic Scalzanni. Seems Stone killed his brother at the Dwarf’s resort and now Scalzanni’s honor requires revenge. So Stone is scheduled for some serious torture. Luckily the prostitute Peaches breaks him out and Stone goes Rambo on the place destroying it. He fights Scalzanni who welds a pair of meat hooks and almost loses but his faithful dog rescues him. Unfortunately they manage to take his sister April and he must once again go questing after her.

So the sixth book was a mixed bag. The author at this time was dying of AIDS so the writing for this series was in decline. While an OK book it took to page 100 out of a 185 page book to finally get to the main story. When he does get to Scalzanni’s town then the book finally picks up. The whole nerdy act he puts on when he visits the sleaze bar is hilarious. Naturally he follows the basic template of getting captured and subjected to torture. Has some help in being rescued and single-handedly wrecking the place. Although his dog is the one to defeat the main bad guy. One a side note Stone had sex with the same woman he had it from the last book. Two books in a row. This is a long term relationship for the guy.

THE LAST RANGER #5 THE WAR WEAPONS BY CRAIG SARGENT

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Copyright 1987.

Martin Stone has just defeated the fascist general Patton III. Now he is looking through the ruins of his old base when he is confronted by some men left behind to guard his stuff. Luckily its his fellow recruits he went through basic training with. He manages to convince them that he destroyed Patton’s base because the general was a genocidal maniac. So they find outside some members of the Guardians of Hell playing around with some captured tanks and take the three tanks. Then its off to stop Patton at his other location in the north. Along the way they fight some bandits and Stone has to deal with a hit squad.

They reach the base but are ambushed and captured. Seems there was a traitor that told Patton they were coming. Stone is covered in a sugary syrup and left out to be eaten by the ants. Only he is saved by a young beautiful Cheyenne woman. Her people are being hunted by Patton’s soldiers. She takes the time to help Stone with his injuries by smearing some healing green gunk that consists of rattlesnake guts all over his body. But this causes a massive erection on Stone and we know what happens next. Yes he has hot passionate sex and the green gunk gets smeared over both their bodies.

Back to some serious stuff. The Cheyenne are going to attack Patton’s base on ATVs. They infiltrate the base and rescue just in time Stone’s men and his dog Excalibur who were in front of a firing squad. His dog manages to defeat Patton’s pit bull in a dog fight and they destroy his nuclear missile. Only Patton has escaped in a helicopter and launched his other missile at the base. Fortunately they have a missile expert with them that manages to hack the guidance and turn the missile back to where it was launched. Still they have to find shelter from the blast and some don’t make it.

So the fifth book picks up where the fourth left off. Stone manages to find some allies. They have some goofy adventures together. He gets captured again and about to die a gruesome death. Fortunately a beautiful young twenty year old comes along and rescues him. But as normal he can’t properly recuperate from his injuries because the young woman insists on having sex. This guy has it so hard. All ends well with the defeat of the mad genocidal nutcake Patton. Although we never do see him die. I always wondered if the ambiguous ending maybe the writer had plans to bring him back. This never occurred so I suppose he died in the nuclear explosion.

THE LAST RANGER #4 THE RABID BRIGADIER BY CRAIG SARGENT

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Copyright 1987.

Martin Stone wakes up after passing out after escaping and blowing up the Dwarf’s resort. He finds out the whores that he rescued rolled him and took all his weapons. So he has to fight some scavenger types that come around to loot the bodies. Fortunately Stone was trained by his father and he has no problem taking them out and escaping. He comes to his hidden motorcycle guarded by his pitbull Excalibur. So he takes off to find his friend Dr. Kennedy and his sister April who also escaped from the Dwarf’s resort.

Along the way he gets caught up in a flash flood but fortunately his Harley can turn into a flotation device. Still he is in danger of going over the falls on the Green River when an army helicopter comes along and pulls him out. He is taken to Grand Junction and Ft. Bradley. There he finds an organization called the New American Army under General Patton III. He is organizing to take back America from the mobsters, biker gangs and cannibals that now rule it. At first he feels this organization is offering hope for a shattered country and gladly lets himself be drafted. He proves to be an exceptional recruit over the hicks that they usually get. He also has a romance with the nurse that first treated him the blonde Elizabeth Williamson who is the girl on the cover with the provocatively open blouse.

He gets to meet the man himself General Patton III who he impresses so much that he is given a colonel commission and command of a detail to take out some local cannibals. His mission is a success but is horrified when the men massacre surrendering women and children. He soon finds out that Patton III is actually a man with a goal of imposing a fascist rule that would kill off the undesirables and racially impure. He has a plan to use one of his nuclear missiles to take out a nearby criminal gathering at Glenwood Springs. Stone decides to turn against the madman and warns the scum gathering. He forms a temporary truce with them and leads them on a successful attack of Ft. Bradley. He destroys the missile but Patton III escapes and leaves a message on his murdered girlfriend’s body that he has other missiles and followers.

So the fourth book introduces probably the most colorful villain that Stone has to face. This one at first seems like a force for good. His NAA is restoring law and order. Only the guy is a nut case. If the kooky blood rituals and fist salutes weren’t enough of a tip off then the fact that the guy thinks he’s Patton’s descendant should have done it. The guy is just over the top nuts. He plans to use his ten megaton ICBM and damn the liberal ecology bullshit. Also is oblivious to the fact that his base is in the blast radius.

He also has the obligatory chapter devoted to his sex scene with the local hot chick. A whole chapter to his size and shooting of volcanic lava etc. etc. This is the first time he loses one of his girlfriends but a guy like Stone has no trouble finding others so its an acceptable loss. Also while it isn’t ever mentioned I think Patton has made himself a full General so the Brigadier in the title is not really accurate. I guess the author found it better sounding that Rapid General.

THE LAST RANGER #3 THE MADMAN’S MANSION BY CRAIG SARGENT

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Copyright 1986.

Stone is ambushed by some remnants of the Guardians of Hell on his way to Utah. He is captured and dragged around behind the bike of the leader Scalper. Luckily his pitbull Excalibur comes to the rescue and cracks open the biker’s skull. Stone manages to take out the others. Later he goes back to the family bunker to resupply and rest. He also rewards his dog with a feast of canned food until the pitbull is about to burst from gluttony. Then its off to rescue his sister April in Utah.

At an inn run by the kindly but badass old woman named Mom, Stone meets up with Dr. Martin Reagan Kennedy a snake-oil salesman. He travels the country in his truck giving magic shows and selling his elixir guaranteed to cure all ills. Stone finds out the man is going to the Dwarf’s place and he agrees to help him infiltrate the place. So hiding his bike and Excalibur in the bushes the two go to the Last Resort. He dresses up Stone in a pink pimp suit and passes him off as a Mafia boss from New Jersey.

So Stone finds a place filled with the scum of the country come to partake of every imaginable and some unimaginable debauchery. Gambling, drugs and sex is available. Stone has a run in with a Mafia crimelord and later has the obligatory chapter dedicated to his sexual encounter with a beautiful prostitute. He finds his sister on the auction block and wins the bid for her. But its a trap and the Dwarf captures him. At a cannibalistic feast he sees such wonderful stuff as a woman being bled dry and another fed to a giant snake. Kennedy manages to come to the rescue and the two blow up the resort. Stone throws the Dwarf out the window into a frozen lake but the evil Dwarf survives. Kennedy manages to take April to safety as Stone rescues a truckload of prostitutes before the whole place blows up.

So the third one has our hero once again take on the sadistic scum that rule post-nuclear America. The Dwarf the insane quadriplegic has a resort that caters to the elite scum. Staffed with former inmates of an insane asylum they give the place its excitement because you never know when they might kill you as a guest. So you know that it must be the apocalypse if Utah is known for its drinking, gambling and sex. Of course there is the chapter devoted to Stone’s sexual encounter. Personally they do start to get a little boring. I mean how much can you go on about filling holes if you know what I mean. I would like the see the potholes filled were I live. The winter was very brutal on the roads this year.

So the Dwarf will return. Along with Stone, his dog Excalibur and the continuing quest for April as he battles new goofy villains in this post-nuclear 1995.

THE LAST RANGER #2 THE SAVAGE STRONGHOLD BY CRAIG SARGENT

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Copyright 1986.

Martin Stone after destroying Denver heads out to Pueblo to rescue his sister April. He gets a companion in a pitbull he names Excalibur. He first has to take out a bunch of fat cannibals who are manning a roadblock. (I suppose eating Americans would get you fat.) Then fights a pack of wolves. He makes it to Pueblo and finds that the place is run by the Church of the New Darkness. The Brotherhood of the Same are the enforces of this new religion. Basically they believe the nuclear war was brought on by people’s differences so everyone must now conform to being the same. This includes no conversations, no singing, no sexual intercourse which includes masterbation unless approved for procreation purposes and no dreaming. In fact everyone should work twenty hours so they have little time to dream.(Or masterbation for that matter.) Punishment includes various forms of gruesome forms of amputation or being nailed to a cross.

Stone pretends to be some inbred mountain man who is in town to sell furs. He ingratiates himself with the head Guardian of Hell leader who actually runs the place, a psychopath named Straight who likes to cut people with an assortment of razors. Straight plans to marry Stone’s sister. Stone is eventually exposed by the Dwarf that kooky quadriplegic that somehow survived Denver. Stone barely escapes and wounded is found by the local resistance. Taken to their hideout in the mines of the hills he recovers from his wounds. Of course the leader is the beautiful Melissa who insists on having sex with Stone instead of letting him rest properly. So after satisfying the girl he takes off by himself loaded down with unstable dynamite to rescue his sister. He gets caught and about to be tortured by the Brotherhood but manages to escape and rescue his dog. Then crashes the wedding and blows up the church. At the end he is saved by the resistance who come and trigger a general uprising. Unfortunately April is taken by the Dwarf to his fortress in Utah. So Stone must once again go after his sister but not before a night of sex with the beautiful Melissa.

The second entry was as fun as the first. So now we get a name for Stone’s companion the pitbull. A dog bred to take on tigers. I don’t know about the tiger thing. I’ve seen tigers in zoos and their paws are bigger than most dogs. Still pitbulls have killed people and this dog has no problem crushing in the skulls of people. Poor Stone is just so irresistible that he is never allowed to recuperate in peace. He is shot and stabbed and beaten up but still has to satisfy the local hot chick. It must be tough to be this guy. The Dwarf is established as a major nemesis for Stone in this series. So much goofy stuff with a wacky cult and over the top fights. Plenty of gratuitous violence and sex just makes this the classic series that it is.