RIFFTRAX LIVE: SAMURAI COP

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Well its that time of year folks. A new Rifftrax Live to start off the Easter holiday. So it started off with a short from the fifties on manners. Some uncouth bully has to stay through recess cleaning off the chalkboard. He instead draws a stick man which then comes to live. Chalky is there to lecture him on manners. Well the brat doesn’t like that and immediately tries to erase Chalky but Chalky manages to get high enough to avoid the eraser. So he then lectures him on his rudeness. The psychotic little brat is brainwashed into being a well mannered productive citizen. Chalky then volunteers for erasure. Strange how they thought that correcting deviant behavior was through anthropomorphic characters coming to life and setting them straight. A great start to the evening.

Our hero and his sidekick.

So the movie starts right off the bat by introducing Sam Marshall aka the Samurai Cop. L.A. apparently had to import him from San Diego because they don’t have a samurai cop and needed one to fight the local Yakuza gang. So right away Joe and his trusty sidekick go after a van that was up to no good and manage to shoot everyone except the driver who is horribly burned in the crash.

Samurai cop does a lot more shooting then what you would think a samurai would do.

Well the local Japanese boss doesn’t like that one of the members didn’t have the decency to die so orders his main henchman Mr. Yamashita to bring his head for his piano. Yamashita the very un-Japanese Robert Z’Dar then goes to the hospital and takes the head.

Robert Z’dar. A man with more face then a human could ever need.

So after much various sexual innuendo at the hospital with the attractive doctor they go off to meet the Yakuza boss.

Not so subtle flirting.

So they threaten him which gets him upset and he sends out Yamashita to take care of them in the parking lot. Now a whole action sequence takes place after an interaction with a flamboyant gay waiter from Costa Rica. The thugs attack and our heroes manager to kick ass. It helps that Yamashita is better at killing his own men than the cops.

The guys at it.


He does manage to chop off someones arm. Not really sure if that’s proper police procedure.

So then we go to the romance of this as he goes after the beautiful Episcopalian restaurant owner. He spends a lot of time in a thong that didn’t need to be filmed.

Way too much time in a thong.

So anyway the movie goes on and there is a climactic fight with Yamashita. The Japanese gang is defeated and he gets the girl.

The big showdown.

Now this had to be the most funniest movie that the guys have ever done. It was absolutely perfect. It had the right mixture of cheezy story. Bad acting. Bad writing. Poorly staged fight scenes. And one goofy cast of characters.

The partner who sole function was to give his goofy expressions.

So here are the trailers.

And coming up.

The secret show is The Five Doctors.

And we will end with the gay waiter.

VIETNAM: GROUND ZERO WARRIOR BY ERIC HELM

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Copyright 1990.

Captain Gerber and Sgt. Fetterman are assigned to a small special forces base along the Cambodian border. They have been monitoring the Ho Chi Mihn trail and notice very little activity. That is because the north has already infiltrated the men needed for a new offensive. Now they must find the troop concentrations so a B-52 strike can be called in. Their mission is complicated by the arrival of a new lieutenant. Lt. Connel is fresh out of ROTC and has romantic notions about combat. He has also developed a real hatred for the Vietnamese. Both north and south. After he abandons some strikers and later shoots down stunned NVA troops after a B-52 strike his men desert him. Now Gerber has to rescue him with hundreds of angry NVA after the B-52 strike.

This book was an OK one. I think the most interesting thing for his book was seeing the procedure that new arrivals in Vietnam had to go through. The story also attempts to debate what is a war crime. Lt. Connel’s actions were in somewhat of a grey area. He clearly shot down a whole bunch of soldiers who were not a threat. But was it any different from dropping bombs from high up. Well Connel is transferred to a new base farther up north. He seems to regret what he did. So this book was OK but nothing really special.

VIETNAM: GROUND ZERO GUNFIGHTER BY ERIC HELM

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Copyright 1990.

Reports are coming in about a NVA officer who is staging gunfights with POWs. Nicknamed Billy the Zip he is a Vietnamese who spend some time in America and became a fan of westerns. He has taken this love to a whole new level. Dressing up with a stetson and single-action Colt he performs an old fashioned gunfight for this men to enjoy. Then the body is dumped outside an American base with a number on a piece of paper to represent the number killed. Captain Gerber and Sgt. Fetterman are assigned to put a stop to this Vietnamese gunfighter.

You have to admire the writers trying to come up with new ideas for this series. This is definitely one off the wall story. Having an NVA officer dress up as a cowboy and stage gunfights is a unique idea that hasn’t been done before. Now Billy wins because be cheats. He has his sergeant hidden with a rifle to make sure that he isn’t outdrawn. He also draws early and has a woman name Miss Kitty have sex with the victim so he doesn’t get any rest. Yep this is one odd story but kind of interesting. Done by a writer whose style I don’t recognize from previous book. Of course the guy is an abject coward who when faced with a honest fight with Sgt. Fetterman begs and pleads for his life. True to form he draws early but still not quick enough. I have to give this one points for being unique and interesting.

VIETNAM: GROUND ZERO EMPIRE BY ERIC HELM

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Copyright 1990.

Captain Mack Gerber is at dinner with his girlfriend and Sgt. Fetterman when they overhear a drunk reporter. He goes on how they will never win the war. Gerber decides the show the loudmouth how wrong he is. He will start to implement his plan in the border province of Binh Long. He sets up a camp with strikers and special forces. Then hits the VC. He keeps hitting them until he drives them out of the province. Then crosses the border into Cambodia and wipes their base out. He can then start real civil projects to improve the civilians lives and win them over. In effect he is building his own little empire. Then his old arch nemesis General Billy Joe Crinshaw comes back newly promoted and out to personally pay back Gerber.

The fourth Super book in the series. Once again the expanded format is put to good use. The story was engaging and moved along. I found it an interesting read to see Gerber’s take on how to win the war. It sounded sound and probably would have worked. This book also saw the return of Crinshaw. A sort of demented Foghorn Leghorn that is interested more in paying back Gerber than winning the war. In the end all the gains are given back. Gerber is forced to admit that the reporter was right. As long as they have the leadership they have the war is unwinnable.

VIETNAM: GROUND ZERO PUPPET SOLDIERS BY ERIC HELM

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Copyright 1989.

The NVA have starting to help elevate Cambodian officers into positions of power. If this continues then Cambodia may shift from being neutral to openly helping the Communists in the war. The CIA comes up with a plan to send assassination squads to take out these officers. Captain Gerber and Sgt. Fetterman are assigned the job of assassinating a Cambodian general whose base is just across the border. Now it seems like a simple enough assignment. He has is worries though. Why all the effort for a minor general? The CIA will also sell out their mother to complete an assignment. These worries are proven out when they are betrayed and set up to be ambushed. Now they have to fight their way out.

This book is new in that it explores the Cambodian military. The Cambodian army is a collection of warlords that have seized power and the central government has no authority over them. The CIA has one of their men in place ready to seize control. With luck he will eventually control the military and be an asset to the American war effort. For this to happen the CIA has it arranged for this man to kill the assassins of the general and thus solidify his position. Of course they didn’t foresee how bad-ass Gerber and his Green Berets are. An interesting and action packed story with some insight into the Cambodians who so far have been out of the picture in spite of their country being the scene for many a story.

VIETNAM: GROUND ZERO TAN SON NHUT BY ERIC HELM

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Copyright 1989.

A NVA terror squad is active in a region that is friendly to the government. They come in and terrorize the villagers. Kill a few of them then leave with a warning not to cooperate with the Americans or the Saigon government. The tactics are working with the people now too terrified. So Captain Gerber and Sgt. Fetterman are assigned to stop this squad. They assemble a team at Tan Son Nhut to find and eliminate this terrorist squad.

So this entry in the series is kind of mediocre. Its a slow day in the war and apparently in coming up with story ideas. Most of the book deals with the antics of the helicopter squad that is assigned to them. Young nineteen year old warrant officers. They are a rebellious bunch to authority. They get in all sorts of fights when going out to the nightclubs in the area. The book picks up at the end when they eventually track down and eliminate the terror squad. Still it was a slow moving story with not much going on.

VIETNAM: GROUND ZERO MACV BY ERIC HELM

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Copyright 1989.

A Special Forces mission sent inside Cambodia is ambushed as soon as it crosses the border. Captain Gerber and Sgt. Fetterman are sent to find missing men. They are also ambushed and barely make it out alive. The conclusion is that there is a leak at MACV. A leak that is an American. The investigation leads to a murdered Vietnamese woman who was a VC agent. The leak is revealed to be a CIA analyst.

MACV or Military Assistance Command Vietnam was were the American war effort was run in Southeast Asia. Derisively referred as The Puzzle Place East or Disneyland East by the soldiers in the field. It is portraying in this series as much an enemy as the VC. A place were the air conditioning is so cold the women who work there have to wear sweaters in the tropics. Where bureaucrats run the war in comfort. Working a nine to five schedule. Then enjoying steak and seafood dinners at the various Saigon restaurants. While the combat troops live in rat-infested bunkers eating cold c-rations. So it gets to be the star in this entry in the series.

The book itself is ok but not the greatest. A bit slow but still has its moments. I liked that the traitor Reed was shown to look more like an dupe than a deliberate traitor. He would casually mention missions to his girlfriend who was a VC agent. In fact he was using her to get the information to the VC. A radical who decided that working in the system was the best way to sabotage the war effort. He also proved to be a psychopath as he knifed his girlfriend which was a surprise that came out of nowhere. A decent effort considering the authors had to come up with a new story every month.